In the Shadow of my Father
by Alphie
Summary: He never asked for this life. He never asked for the responsibility. And not everyone get a happy ending. Rated T for later chapters. COMPLETE.
1. Prologue

_AN: All right. It's official. Superman Returns ate my brain. I have SOOO many stories going through my head right now that if I don't do something about it, I might implode from the pressure. After reading fic after fic – my own included – that deals with the events directly after the movie closes, I started thinking about the many possibilities of the future for our cast of characters. I hate to say that my favorite one isn't exactly a happy one. _

_So here I go – off to do what no one has yet dared to do, as far as I know. I'm not sure just how long this will be. I'm not even sure how I want to end it. I can only promise that this will be different. If you are looking for a comfortable, happy ever after type scenario, then this is not the fic for you. Don't hate me for it. It got stuck in my head and wouldn't budge. As it is, let the angst begin._

_Many thanks to Hellish Red Devil and htbthomas for the wonderful help on planning the story and beta reading my bad typing. This has been slightly reworked from it's original posting. _

**Prologue**

I never asked for this life. I never asked to be born the way I am. And I certainly never asked for the responsibility placed before me. It's inconceivable to even imagine that this is my life. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have wished to be someone else – someone _normal._

I used to glance up at the sky and look out at the multitude of stars that shone down on the Earth from the Heavens and wonder where I fit in the universe. Somewhere, out in the distance, the remains of a planet float past those stars like driftwood in the sea. I used to wonder if that was where I belonged. Or did I belong here, on Earth, the only home I've ever known? I wish I had never learned about Krypton or the people who once inhabited that place. It would make my life a lot less complicated if I were nothing more than an ordinary human being.

Words run through my head – word spoken by my biological father about staying true to who I am and how to manage in this world. Words about being different, finding strength in the sun, helping others but not interfering with the course of history. That lecture has been repeated to me time and time again. It's etched into my brain so that I can never forget. And yet, as many times as I have heard those words, I've never fully understood them. I've spent my life trying to make sense of it all, and have come up short.

I hate it. I hate all of it. Why me? Why not someone else? I'm sure there is someone out there aching for this life. Every day I hear comments about how wonderful it must be to have powers that defy humanity. Oh sure, I'm really lucky to be able to get my work done in a fourth of the time. I'm really lucky to be able to hear conversations going on miles away. And even if I had been the biggest nerd in school, no bully could have ever hurt me.

But what people don't understand is how much I've had to sacrifice for these abilities I didn't ask for. I've gone through life hiding who I really am. I've lied repeatedly to people I cared about. No one really knows me, except my parents, and even that gets complicated. It hurts Mom and Dad to hear me talk about how much I want to be normal. Mom always ends up feeling guilty and Dad shuts down and tries to ignore it. That's why I started ignoring it, too. It's easier to pretend that everything is fine if we just don't talk about it.

But my biological father's voice rings in my head and refuses to let me forget. Every time I see him, I'm forced to recognize the alien side of my life. And I don't want to be an alien. I want to live and grow and love, not in the way he dictates to me, but in the way I choose. I want my life to be my own, not his. Besides, I could never live up to his expectations. I've tried…and I've failed.

That's why I don't see him anymore. I used to see him all the time, but once I realized the truth…once I determined the lie surrounding my entire existence…I started blocking him out. It was much easier than I anticipated. All I had to do was lock the window at night. I figured he'd break it open eventually, but he never did.

Served him right, in my opinion. He made the choice not to be with us. He had his chance to be a real part of my life, and yet he chose to stay distant. No amount of whispered lectures in the middle of the night could ever make up for the neglect I felt when I was younger – when I needed him there to guide me. That duty fell on the shoulders of another man – a more deserving man – the man I truly think of as my father.

The man who raised me as his son without ever making me feel less for not being of his blood. The man who loved and married my mother in spite of the mess she made of things by not telling him the full truth right from the start. The man who has never once said an unkind word about the absent alien who devotes more time to saving the lives of strangers than he does to the woman he once claimed to love and the son he left behind.

He. Him. That's how I refer to him. Not as the ridiculous nickname the rest of the world calls him, because there isn't that much about him that I find 'super.' He's super at flying away. He's super at breaking my mom's heart. He's super at looking at me with disappointment. I can't even think of him by his _human_ name without being reminded of how good he is at telling lies.

But I didn't ask for this. That's what I always come back to. That's what gets me through the day. The things that matter most to me now are the things I have chosen – the life I have made for myself. I'm proud of what I've been able to accomplish, all things considered. And there is so much more I plan to do. As dark as the past has seemed at times, I can now see the brightness of the future. I plan to step into that future and not let the figure up in the sky cast a shadow over me. I will have the life he was never brave enough to live and show him once and for all what it really means to be a super man.


	2. Chapter 1

_AN: Thanks to the few of you who reviewed. It's good to see I'm not the only one interested in the darker possibilities of Superman. I realize that the story is pretty dark, and it's not going to get much lighter any time soon, I'm sorry to say. I just couldn't resist wondering what Jason would be like if Superman had stayed at a distance and not been such an active and open part of his life the way most of us expect him to do. I really do think they will get a happy ending, but this idea was too interesting to me to ignore. So now to get to the heart of the story. I hope this chapter gives you a better idea of just where Jason is in his life and the history behind him. I would have liked to post this in a few days, but I felt it important to get it out and let more of you see where I'm going with this. The next chapter won't be for a few days yet. _

_Thanks to htbthomas and Red Devil for their suggestions and improvements to the fic This chapter has been altered slightly from it's original posting.. _

**Chapter One**

It was half past six when I pulled up to house. Damn. I was early. Mom said dinner was at seven, which meant that I had an extra half hour to worry and fret over just how she would react to my news. Dad would probably take it okay, but Mom…Mom was always overprotective. Sometimes I wondered how I ever managed to get out of the house at all and off on my own.

I turned off the car and sat in the quiet, thinking over my plans for how to break the news to them in the gentlest way possible. I'd start with the competition first. Anything having to do with my music always made Mom happy. So music first, Kate second. I'd get Mom smiling and then hope that she would keep smiling.

I took a deep breath and willed my heart to stop racing. It was ridiculous that I wasn't nervous at all about proposing – it was telling my mother that scared the crap out of me. As long as Mom didn't freak out, we'd be fine. I just had to do this gently… carefully.

The light by the front door to the house switched on and the door opened to reveal my dad waving at me. "Hey!" he called. "What are you doing out there?"

I smiled, calming my nerves, and climbed out of the car. "Sorry. I was just listening to the radio."

"Yeah, well, come on in. We have a radio in here, you know."

Once inside, he hugged me and directed me to the kitchen where Mom was fussing over dinner. I frowned when I caught the smell of the food. "What is that?" I asked in displeasure.

"Dinner," Dad sighed.

"And what is she fixing this time?"

"Some kind of tofu."

I rolled my eyes. "You're kidding?" I entered the kitchen to find my mother with her back to me as she stirred something on the stove. "Mom, you realize that I eat normal food now, right?"

She turned to look at me. "You eat food you shouldn't be eating when you're off on your own. When you're home, you will eat right."

Dad and I looked at each other blank-faced. "How about we order a pizza?" I offered.

"You will do no such thing," Mom scolded, her hand on her hips. "After two months of avoiding me, I thought I would have gotten a better greeting than this."

Crap. She was right. So much for keeping her happy. "I'm sorry," I said, walking up to her and letting her hug me.

"I missed you," she said, leaning back to look at me.

"I've been busy."

"You cut your hair."

"I like it short."

"You look pale."

"I've been inside most of the semester."

"You need to get out into the sun."

"I'm fine," I said, brushing off the comment. I wasn't willing to let the conversation head in the direction she was taking it. "I, um – I have news."

"News?" Dad said, handing me a glass of wine.

I couldn't resist teasing. "Oh, I don't know, Dad. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to have that. My twenty-first birthday is several months away. And you never know what sort toxins are in the wine."

"All right," Mom sighed, giving in. "I get it. Next time we'll order a pizza, but we're eating this tonight."

"Agreed," I said with a smile.

"So, what's this news?" Dad repeated.

"Um – why don't we eat first?" I had a plan, and the plan included eating first.

We carried the food to the table and sat down to start working our way through the muck my mother insisted we eat. I couldn't care less if I never ate another vegetable again in my life, but I didn't want to fight about it tonight. I needed Mom to smile. I'd already started things off badly. No need to further upset the apple cart.

After several large bites without so much as a complaint, I said, "This isn't so bad. Thanks for having me out tonight."

"You're the one who wanted to visit," Mom reminded me.

"I didn't say you had to fix me dinner though."

"You were probably avoiding it," Dad surmised.

He guessed right, but I didn't dare say that.

"So…your news?" Mom pressed. "I'm in suspense."

"Right…okay." Here we go. Make her smile. "Remember the recital at the end of last year?"

"Of course," she said.

"Well, the head of the department was there, and he's nominated me to participate in a competition next semester."

Mom's eyes went wide. "Jason! That's wonderful!"

I nodded. "Yeah, I was surprised. I thought for sure they would only ask Angela Beckett – and they did ask her. She's amazing. But this year, the school gets to send two participants, so… I get to go."

Mom was very happy. I loved making her happy. "Oh my goodness, Jason! That's just…What all do you have to do?"

"Well, the competition requires us to play two contrasting pieces of our choice. You know, something traditional – classical, and then something more contemporary or jazzy. I haven't decided what yet, but I have to turn in my selections at the end of this month. We have thirty minutes to perform, and five winners are selected to receive a monetary award of five hundred dollars. The champion, though, gets a thousand dollars and a record contract for the two pieces he played at the competition along with one other piece. And it can be an original piece if he wants. So, it's really a chance to not just be heard, but to get your music out there to the public."

"Jason, that's great!" Even my dad, who had never understood my obsession with music, was impressed.

"Oh, honey," Mom said, taking my hand. "This is what you've always wanted."

"Yeah, I know. I mean…I don't think I'll win, but you never know."

"Don't say that," Mom snapped. "You have every chance of winning."

I leaned back in my chair. "Well, there are over a hundred people in the competition, and I know that Angela is…" I sighed. "She's way out of my league."

"They must have thought you were just as good if they asked you to compete," my dad reasoned. It made me feel good that he would even think it.

"Well, we'll see. I'm going to work my ass off to get it. Or rather – work my fingers off."

Mom was still smiling. "I'm so proud of you, Jason. This is just so wonderful."

"I'm glad you're happy."

Keep her smiling.

"'Cause I have some other news, too."

"More news?" Dad asked.

"It couldn't be more exciting than _this_," Mom added.

"I think it is." I looked over at my mom with the intention of holding her gaze as I told her the rest, but I just couldn't. My eyes darted down to my plate as I said, "I'm going to ask Kate to marry me."

My announcement was met with silence.

"When?" Dad asked.

"Next weekend."

"That's a little sudden, don't you think?"

I looked up to see that Mom was still smiling, but the feeling behind the smile had changed.

"We've been together over a year, Mom. I don't think that's very sudden."

"But you're so young."

"I'm just going to propose. That doesn't mean we're getting married tomorrow. We probably won't get married until we've both finish school."

"Then why the rush to propose?"

"There is no rush. It's just the right time."

"But Jason, she's only your second girlfriend. How can you be sure…?

"How is anyone sure?" I ignored the slight from Mom about only having two girl friends. There had been more girls than that along the way, but none of them caught my interest long enough to actually date more than once. "Look, I love her and she loves me and I can't imagine not having her around."

"But--"

"You just don't like her," I pointed out. "If I were saying this about any other girl, you'd be thrilled for me."

She shook her head at me. "No, that's not it. I just don't understand why you want to get engaged if you don't have plans to get married for a while."

"Says the woman who was engaged for seven years." The words were out of my mouth before I had the chance to think about them.

What little smile was left on my mother's face vanished.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I didn't mean to go there."

Her eyes were hard and full of hurt. She shoved her chair back from the table, tossed her napkin down and said, "Excuse me," in a cold voice.

I slumped over, holding my head in my hands and hating myself for bringing it up. "I'm sorry, Dad."

"I'm not the one that you have to apologize to, Jason."

"I know, I just…I just thought she'd be okay with this."

Dad laughed. "Jason, you know Lois doesn't care for Kate. Why would you ever think that your mom would be okay with this?"

"Mom liked Kate just fine when they first met."

"Yes, she did. Until Kate mentioned how much she hated a certain someone in a red cape."

"Don't," I warned, shooting him a nasty look.

"Well, Jason, it does seem a little odd that you'd want to spend your life with someone who…well…has those kinds of feelings."

"I don't think it's odd at all," I bit. "Her feelings are the same as mine. We agree on something that's very important to me."

"Jason," he groaned. "It's a little different for you."

"Yeah, and I'm tried of being a little different." I pushed myself away from the table and stood up. "I knew telling you both about this would be a mistake. It's one of the reasons I didn't want to come out here, but I thought that you'd be even more upset with me if I didn't tell you. I should have stuck with my instincts and stayed in the city."

I stormed out of the house, ignoring the way Dad was calling to me to come back. I knew I should have at least gone back and apologized to him and to Mom one more time, but my temper had gotten the better of me and I just couldn't face them until I had a chance to calm down.

I walked around the back of the house and sat down on the deck. The cool breeze coming off of the water refreshed me, and I lay back with my knees bent so as to soak up the stillness of the night. The sun was setting, and I purposefully turned my face away from it and the warmth it offered.

It wasn't long before I heard footsteps approaching from the house. "I thought you'd left," came my mother's voice.

"I just wanted a minute to sit in the quiet," I explained.

"I warned you when you moved to the city that all the noise would bother you. With your sensitive hearing--"

"Mom," I stopped her. "Please."

But she wouldn't let it drop. "I know that you like to ignore your gifts, but Jason—"

"MOM! Just let it go!"

She didn't say anything for a moment. We just sat and let the tension between us grow.

"Does Kate know?" Mom asked at last.

"Know what?" I said, even though I knew very well what she was asking me.

"Does she know...about you?"

"She knows everything about me that she needs to know."

She shook her head in disagreement. "If you're thinking of marrying her--"

I sat up fully and turned to face her. "Mom, I'm not thinking about getting married. I _am_ going to get married."

"She said yes already?"

"Not in exact terms, but we have talked about it. We've talked about where we want to live, things we want to do with our lives, kids – no one talks about having kids unless they want to get married to each other."

"Kids?" She looked totally taken aback.

"Yeah. You know, as in a family. Kate wants at least two."

Mom rolled her eyes. "Oh, Jason."

"What? I'm not allowed to have a family now?"

"No! Not like this!"

"Not like what?"

She opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it quickly and turned away from me.

"Not like what?" I asked again.

She huffed and looked at me with determined eyes. "Well, first of all, she needs to know that any children of yours will be special."

"Oh, lord," I groaned.

"And second of all, you need to tell your father and see what he has to say about all of this."

I froze. "I did tell my father."

"You did?" She sounded surprised.

"Yes. Just now. I told him at dinner."

She glared at me. "Jason, you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I _do_ know what you mean and to tell you the truth, I'd like to forget you even said it." I got to my feet and started to walk away.

"Jason," she called, walking after me. "I know that for the most part you'd rather ignore your relationship to him, but in this case, you really can't."

"Yes, I can."

"You don't even know if this is possible."

I turned on her at that, enraged that she would even bring up something like that. "Mom, look at me. Given the fact that I am here, I think I have enough proof that it's possible."

"That's not what I mean. Of course, it's possible, but is it…"

"What?"

"Is it allowed? I thought…I thought it was one of those rules."

I squinted at her, hardly believing what she was suggesting. "Those rules are for him."

"And he's a part of you."

"And if I could, I would cut it out of me."

She gasped and I could see that her eyes were filling with tears. "You don't mean that."

I did mean it, but I knew that to repeat myself would only make things worse. I took a deep breath and refocused my temper. "I think I should just go, Mom."

"Don't leave like this. Don't leave angry."

"I'm not…angry." I lied. "I just…wasn't expecting you to bring up…him."

"Well, what did you expect?"

"I expected you to be angry about my choice, and I was ready to defend Kate to you. I was ready to try to convince you that she is a good person with a kind heart who loves me. I was ready to fight about that, but I wasn't ready to fight about him."

She raised her eye brows at me. "You had to know that he would come into this. I mean Jason – children. Really. How can you even think of that and not tell Kate the truth?"

"Fine," I gave in. "I'll tell Kate the truth, but that doesn't mean I have to tell him about it."

"He has a right to know."

Something in me snapped. "No. He doesn't have any right. He gave up that right a long time ago. Technically speaking, he never has had that right - or have you forgotten that I am legally Richard's son?"

"Is that what this is about? That it's Richard's name on your birth certificate?"

She didn't get it. I doubted that she ever would. "Just forget it, Mom. I'm going to head out of here." I walked around the house to my car.

"All right, fine, but promise me something."

I huffed and turned around to look at her. "What?"

"Promise me that you'll consider talking to him about this."

She would never give it up.

"Promise me," She repeated when I gave no reply.

"Why?"

"Because I think he has a lot of insight into this – more than you are willing to give him credit for. And you need to remember that no amount of pretending will actually change your biology. He was given those instructions for a reason, Jason, and they are obviously very important to him."

"More important than _I_ am, even," I mumbled under my breath so that she couldn't hear.

"Just think about everything you've learned from him about his home. Think about all those messages from your ancestors."

I cringed. It was those messages that drove such a wedge between us. Ever since I'd first heard Jor-El speak, I'd been trying to forget it.

"Please," Mom continued, "think about talking to him before you make any decisions. There might be consequences you aren't even aware of."

I hadn't thought about that. Consequences. I wondered for a moment if she was right. After all, Kryptonian technology was far more advanced than human technology. There was no telling what they could do to me, but I wasn't ready to talk about that with my mom. Instead, I sighed softly and said, "Mom, I love you. I really do. But I can't. I just can't."

But that was a lie. I did think about it. I thought about it all night long. I thought about it on the drive home. I thought about it as I tried to fall asleep that night. Voices echoed through my head over and over again, reminding me of a past I had spent the last few years trying to forget.

_It is forbidden to interfere with human history. _

Was that what I was doing? Would getting married be considered interfering with history? He interfered once…and I'm the result.

_You can not serve humanity by investing your time and emotion in one human being at expense of the rest. The concepts are mutually exclusive. _

That one was pretty clearly stated. It was obvious to me that Jor-El was against marriage, and clearly _he _had listened to Jor-El and taken those words to heart or else he would have stayed with my mother, right?

But those laws were meant for him. They were never intended for me. Or were they? I couldn't get my brain around it. I wasn't supposed to be part of the equation. I wasn't even supposed to be here. According to Jor-El, my very existence was an impossibility. But I was here, and part of me was Kryptonian. Still…I was also part human. That had to account for something.

It was too confusing. As much as I hated to think about it, I was simply going to have to do something I swore to myself I would never do again. I would have to talk to him.


	3. Chapter 2

_AN: I got some feedback from some beta readers and rethought a few aspects of where I was going with this piece. I reposted the prologue and chapter one, fixing typos and making some minor changes, mostly focusing on the fact that Jason knows Clark is Superman. _

_I hope this chapter gives you more of a feeling for Jason's character and his relationship with Kate and with Superman. I want to stress again that I don't think this will happen at all! I think they will work things out and get their happy ending. But the idea was too interesting and tempting. I mean this as a total "what if" scenario. _

_Lastly, Jason's choice in music is my personal homage to Christopher Reeve and one of my favorite movies of all time, Somewhere in Time. If you haven't seen it, you don't know what you are missing!_

_Thanks to the betas – Hellish Red Devil and htbthomas for their suggestions and for their insight into fixing the stories problems._

_This chapter has been slightly altered from it's original posting to better fit with some new ideas I've come up with while writing Being Jason White._

**Chapter Two**

"The Rhapsody?"

"Yes."

"It's an interesting choice."

"Interesting good or interesting bad?"

"Well, it's not a piece that's usually performed without a full orchestra behind it."

"Most of these arrangements are for a full orchestra. I guess I could dig up an etude or a nocturne. Chopin has lots of those."

"No, I think the Rachmaninov is a better choice."

I got him. I knew he would oppose my choice of the Rhapsody, but one mention of Chopin and he was ready to side with me. Professor Bolyard had some unexplainable dislike for all things Chopin. Rumor had it that he had lost a major competition playing the Polonaise.

"We have a lot of work ahead of us to get this ready for performance," he said, flipping through the score on the piano.

"I know, but it's my mother's favorite piece and I thought she'd like to hear it on a recording."

He eyed me with a mischievous grin. "So confident, are you?"

I shrugged. "I have as much chance as the next guy."

"And what have you decided for your other piece?"

I sighed, for I hadn't really made up my mind on that one. "I was thinking about one of the bird pieces by Messiaen or maybe one of the early sonatas by Scelsi."

The old instructor hummed and thought for a moment. "I think Messiaen's work contrasts better with the Rach, but Scelsi has always been a favorite of mine and he isn't as commonly played. Think about it some more and we'll start in on the Rhapsody on Thursday."

I gathered up my music and headed out of the rehearsal room, checking my cell to see if Kate had called. Her voice chimed through the phone, light and cheerful as always. "Hey, Jason. I'm working over here in the office and was hoping that you'd stop by for dinner. I'm not sure when you'll be done with your meeting, so just come by when you get a chance. I love you."

I smiled. How could I _not_ smile? Easy…one thought of a dead man named Jor-El and my smile vanished.

My thoughts had been plagued for the last few days with the conversation I had had with my mother about Kate. It wasn't so much the things she had said about Kate that bothered me, but what she had said about…_him_. I hadn't stopped thinking about those damned instructions and where I fit into the picture. I wanted Kate in my life, but it worried me that I could be putting her in some kind of danger. I'd put off talking to him for a few days now, hoping I could work things out on my own, but I'd had no success. I didn't want to admit it, but I was just going to have to break down and talk to him.

But first things first. Kate. Unlike some people I know who had chosen differently, Kate would always come first for me.

The psychology building was on the other side of the campus, but I made it there in no time. Kate shared an assigned office space on the fifth floor with four other senior pre-med students. She was hunched over her desk reading and scribbling out notes when I found her. She had twisted her long, blond hair around in a lopsided bun at the base of her neck and used a pencil to hold it into place. She was so focused on her work that she didn't even hear me come in.

"Hey there, beautiful," I said, making her jump ever so slightly,

"Hey there, handsome."

I leaned over her desk to give her a quick kiss. "What are you working on tonight? Another woman who thinks she's a cat?"

She laughed at me. "No, nothing nearly that odd. Just your average ordinary schizophrenic."

"Yeah, that's real average and ordinary," I said, sitting down on one of the extra folding chairs.

"It is. Lots of people hear voices. It's a lot more common than you think. Haven't you ever heard someone tell a story about being in a dangerous situation and they say, 'Something in my head told me to run'?"

"That's more of a subconscious message than an actual voice," I argued.

"Yes, but it _is_ a voice." She smirked at me. "It's when someone begins talking back to the voice that they start having problems."

I wondered momentarily what she would think of being able to hear voices in other buildings. She'd probably think me a freak.

"So how much longer do you think you'll be?" I asked.

She exhaled and slumped back in her chair. "I dunno. An hour maybe?" She glanced up at the clock. "I'm getting hungry so I doubt I'll last much past seven. You wanna meet me for dinner?"

"Where?"

"Masson's Deli," she said with a twinkle in her eye.

I groaned. "Kate, you know there are about a hundred other restaurants that serve chicken salad."

"Yeah, but Masson's is the best." The way she said it left no room for disagreement. "Meet me there at seven?"

"Seven it is." I got up and kissed her again, this time taking it a bit more slowly. "And then maybe we can go back to my apartment for dessert."

She laughed against my mouth. "I'm looking forward to it."

Reluctantly, I pulled away and walked to the door.

"What are you gonna do for an hour?" she asked.

_Oh, I'm going to go find a secluded rooftop somewhere and ask for Superman to come and tell me I'm allowed to marry you._

That probably wouldn't go over well. "I think I'll go back over to the rehearsal room and play around with these pieces for a while."

"You and that piano," she said with a shake of her head.

I knew what she was referring to. Professor Bolyard owned a Steinway Grand that he kept in pristine condition. It was an older instrument, but it had the best tone and resonance of any piano I had ever touched. At first I was sure that I was the only one who heard the difference in the quality of sound coming from the instrument due to my sensitive hearing

, but I was soon backed up by a few other students in the department who preferred that piano over all others. At least I wasn't alone on that.

"You know, if I had enough money, I would buy that thing from him and give it to you so you would stay home more often."

"And I would gladly take it from you," I laughed at her. "So, one hour?"

She nodded. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

I headed down the stairs and out of the building with my mind still filled with the questions that had been plaguing me for the past few days. I had one hour before I would see Kate again. One hour was plenty of time. And it gave me an excuse to end the conversation if things got bad…which they normally did.

I turned around and went up the stairs to the door to the roof. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was around or close enough to see or hear me. A quick, hard turn of the knob was all it took for me to get the door open. I stepped out on to the roof and pulled my cell phone out from my pocket. I fidgeted with it a moment, reconsidering if this really was something I wanted to do. No, I didn't _want _to do it, but I didn't see any other choice.

My fingers flew over the key pad and I reluctantly held the phone up to my ear. The nervous energy in my body manifested itself in the way I was pacing back and forth without direction. My eyes focused on nothing and everything.

One ring…

Two rings…

"Hello. Clark Kent."

I swallowed upon hearing his voice. I hadn't heard it for nearly a year, disregarding a few sound bites on the television. It had been even longer since I had heard that cheesy, squeaky voice he used when he was pretending to be the Daily Planet's biggest dork.

"Hello?" he repeated when I didn't say anything.

"Um…It's…It's me," I stammered, never knowing just how to start conversations with him.

"Jason?" He sounded surprised…and he should be.

"Yeah."

He paused a moment, and I could just imagine the look on his face. "Hi," he said at last.

"Um…I had…a question." Man, I hated how stupid I always sounded when I spoke to him. It was like my brain would start to malfunction just at the very idea of speaking to him. "Um…do you have a second that you can talk to me?" I managed to ramble.

"Well, yeah, sure." I could tell that he was trying to stay chipper like Clark Kent always was.

"Now?" I asked.

"Well…Lois and Richard are working late," he explained.

That was my cue that he couldn't talk on the phone right then and there. Mom and Dad were in the room, which was never good. The fact that he had asked me long ago to keep this secret from them was probably the cause of the greatest tension between us. And the fact that I went along with it and never told my parents the truth hurt even more.

"Where are you?" he asked softly, his voice deepening into that more natural sound that made me even more nervous.

I hesitated and closed my eyes, deciding once and for all if I really wanted to tell him or not. I had thought that I could just ask him what I needed to ask over the phone and not deal with a face-to-face confrontation. But with Mom close by, that wasn't going to work. If I told him where I was, I knew he would be here in a matter of minutes. And then I'd have to see him again. Talking to him was one thing. Seeing him face to face was something else entirely.

And yet deep down I had already decided to see him, hadn't I? Why else had I come up here to the roof? I could have made my phone call from anywhere.

"Jason?" He said my name and my eyes snapped open.

"I'm on campus," I said slowly, hating myself for not being able to work this out on my own. "I'm on the roof of the psych building. Do you know which one that is?"

"Yes. Give me five minutes."

And the phone went silent. I slipped the phone back into my pocket and took a deep breath. My feet worked on their own, pacing back and forth and back and forth as my heart hammered in my chest. I cracked my knuckles nervously and looked out across the rooftops of the campus, hearing the light, unencumbered conversations of the people around me who didn't have a care in the world outside of their next exam…or the car that wouldn't start…or their boyfriend breaking up with them…or finding a new roommate, or…

"Jason?"

I spun around, startled, and found him standing only a few feet away from me dressed in that stupid outfit he insisted on wearing. Couldn't he have just stayed in his business suit? My eyes held on to his for a moment before pulling away. I hated that his eyes always looked so kind. Keeping my gaze down, I said, "I didn't want to bother you, but I just had a question."

He stepped closer to me. "Jason, you're never a bother."

My eyes snapped up to look into his face. "I'm not? Could have fooled me."

He frowned, and I felt that much braver for having called him out on his half-truth.

"What was it that you wanted?" he asked, somehow keeping his voice calm.

"Right. I should just get this over with so we can both go on with our lives."

His shoulders slumped, letting me know I was saying everything he didn't want to hear.

I turned my back to him, knowing it would be easier for me to get this out if I didn't have to look at him and that huge yellow and red emblem on his chest. "I was just wondering…about some of the things…well…you know…the crystals…"

God! How moronic was I? I should just say it and get it over with!

I huffed and turned around to look at him, screwing up my courage to say what needed to be said. "All that stuff that Jor-El says on the crystals about forming significant attachments and interfering with history and all that." I swallowed hard. "That was all meant for you, right? That doesn't have anything to do with me."

I had to give him some credit for not looking stunned that I had actually brought up the topic of Jor-El and that lonely fortress up in the Arctic. Instead, his brows knit together as he contemplated his response. Yet he chose to answer me with another question. "Why do you want to know?"

I hated it when he did that. When I was little, I would totally fall for it and end up laying all my cards out on the table before I even knew what hit me. Not this time, though. I could play this game a lot better now after years of practice. "Why does it matter? Can't you just give me a yes or a no?"

"It's not that simple, Jason." He folded his arms in front of his chest. "I believe that those instructions were meant for you just as much as they were for me."

I groaned.

"But you've chosen a different path in life," he continued. "If you had decided to use your gifts to help others the way I do and put yourself in the public eye, then I would say without a doubt those words were meant for you."

"But that's not how I live my life," I countered.

"I'm well aware of that." He did little to hide the disappointment in his voice.

I brushed it aside and said, "So then it doesn't apply to me."

"I think it still applies, you just choose to ignore it."

I gaped at him. "Look, I didn't call you tonight just so you could lay a big guilt trip on me for not wanting to be just like you. I just wanted to know if I was going to get into some sort of trouble for having a life. Is there some sick Kryptonian god that's going to exact vengeance on me for actually falling in love with someone and deciding to live a life with them? You know, like a normal life?"

He took a step closer to me. "You've met someone?"

Damn. I ALWAYS slip. "Just answer the question!" I demanded. "Can I have the life I want, or will I be punished for it?"

His face softened and he looked at me with those damn honest eyes. "You can have whatever life you want, Jason. You have the free agency to do what you like with your own life."

"Good," I turned to go.

"But then you have to be willing to live with the consequences."

I nearly growled; my fists clenched in frustration. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that someday you might look back on your life and realize that you had the ability to help people, to save lives and truly make a difference, and yet you opted to ignore that part of you."

The anger was really starting to boil now. "You don't think my life will make a difference? You think I have to put on some blue tights and a red cape and go bounding around the world making sure everyone's life is satisfactory except my own? That I'm supposed to sit on the sidelines and watch life going on all around me, but never really participate in it? Well, here's a news flash for you, Mister Pretend Reporter, I'm not you! And I have no desire to be you!"

"I never said you had to be me." His voice was steady, but I could tell I was getting to him.

"Then what's with the big guilt trip?"

He shook his head. "I just worry that you're not looking at things from the right perspective."

"And I suppose your perspective is the right one."

"The world's perspective is the right one."

I rolled me eyes, flinging my arms up in the air. "Oh yes! How could I forget? The world! The world is always more important than me. Everyone on this planet is more important than me."

"Jason -"

"No, you don't need to explain any further. I get it. Everyone else comes before me. You've driven that fact into my head well enough."

He closed his eyes and exhaled as if in defeat. I felt a surge of power. Countless enemies over the years have all tried to defeat him. How surprised they would be to know that all it takes to really bring him down is to point out his inadequacies as a parental figure.

But the question still remained. "So…" I said after a moment. "Regardless of what you think of my decisions, I am allowed to do what I want with my life, right?"

He looked up at me again, his face so full of sadness. "I've never tried to stop you from living the life you wanted, Jason. I only ever wanted to show you the possibilities."

"Possibilities. Like growing old all alone. Disappointing the people who care about me. Pretending that I don't have feelings."

"If that's the way you see it, Jason. I don't want to argue with you."

"Then tell me I'm free – free of the ramblings of a dead man who said my existence was an impossibility!"

He nodded. "Do what makes you happy, Jason. That's all I've ever wanted for you."

More lies. I hated the way he lied and made it sound like the truth. "Right. Happiness. If that's the case then I think it's pretty obvious what makes me happy and what makes me angry. So, I'll stick to my own life and forget the rest."

Ancient words echoed in my head. _See my life though your eyes, and your life will be seen though mine…_

I shook it off and turned to head back into the building, away from _him_.

"What's her name?" he asked softly.

My hand was on the door knob, and I turned my head slightly to look over my shoulder. "Why do you want to know?"

"So that I'll be able to thank her - if I ever meet her - for making you happy."

I hoped he never would even have the chance to meet her. But then…maybe it would show him that I'm not the only one who doesn't think so favorably about him. "Her name's Kate, but I wouldn't go looking for her if I were you."

"Why's that?"

"Because she holds you in almost as much contempt as I do."

He paused. "And what did I do to her?"

I turned around to face him one last time. "It's not what you do, but rather what you _didn't_ do, in my case and with her."

"All right then," he said in a voice more harsh than he normally sounded. "What _didn't_ I do?"

"When she was six, her father took her out to do some shopping for Mother's Day. When they got home, they found their house on fire with her mom and her baby sister trapped inside. She stood on the front lawn screaming and yelling for you to come and save them…but you never showed up."

His face didn't change at all. "And so she blames me for the death of her mother and sister?"

"No, she blames the fire for their death. She blames you for not helping everyone the way you say you do. Because you see, that day, while her family was dying, you were in Metropolis at the unveiling of that stupid statue of you in Central Park. You were at a party celebrating your good deeds while her mother was being burned alive."

He didn't have any comment. I didn't stick around to really give him the chance. I'm sure he would have said that he didn't know about the fire or some such nonsense, but I didn't want to hear it. I opened the door to the stairs and darted down into the building as fast as I could.


	4. Chapter 3

_AN: I'm so glad there are a few of you who are enjoying the way I'm torturing Jason and Superman! I knew I couldn't be the only one questioning this "what if" scenario! I was thrilled even more to see a rec in Nautica7mk's author's notes! If you haven't read Unmasked, I highly recommend it. _

_Once again, thanks to the betas, Hellish Red Devil and htbthomas for fixing the bad typing and assuring me that I wasn't going too far. I was worried about this chapter that just maybe Jason pushed too hard, but I think he really needed to say some of the things I let him say. Remember…he's NOT Superman! SO just because it wouldn't be in Superman's character to get verbally abusive, it could very well be in Jason's character. Be warned, it gets a little harsh…and I don't plan on letting up just yet! _

_I hope you like the chapter. I PROMISE that you'll see some real action in the next chapter. PROMISE!_

**Chapter Three**

I darted down the stairs as quickly as I could, putting as much distance between the roof and me as possible. When I reached the fifth floor, I headed down to Kate's office expecting to find her still hunched over her work. I needed to see a friendly face and calm my nerves, and there wasn't anyone better suited to that job than Kate. But when I reached her office, she wasn't there. I checked my watch, surprised to find that nearly an hour had passed since I had last seen her. How had that happened?

I exhaled sharply and resumed my fast-paced trek back down the stairs and out of the building. Masson's Deli was just a few blocks away. I could make it there in no time if I…well…'sprinted.' No need to keep Kate waiting longer than necessary. My feet sped over the sidewalk, carrying me down the street, around the corner, and landing me face-to-face with Clark Kent.

I jumped back in surprise. "What the hell?"

"I wasn't done talking to you," he said in all seriousness.

"Well, _I_ was done talking to you." I walked around him, not wanting any more guilt disguised as conversation.

"Jason, will you just listen to me for a minute. Please. And then I'll leave you alone."

I stopped, but I didn't turn around. "You have one minute."

There was a pause as silence passed between us.

"Time's ticking away," I called over my shoulder.

"I – I just want you to be careful."

I snapped around to glare at him. "What?"

"With Kate," he added. "Just promise me you'll be careful."

Slowly, the humor of the situation hit me in the gut and I started laughing full out. "Are you kidding me?"

"It's not funny, Jason."

"No, I think it's very funny." I continued to laugh. "You…giving me relationship advice? That's rich!"

His eyes shifted behind those fake glasses he wore. "I just worry for you…and for her."

"You worry?" I said in disbelief, all laughter vanishing in an instant. "Why?" I said harshly.

"Believe it or not Jason, but I do worry about you."

"Well, thanks, but I don't think you're even _remotely_ qualified to give me advice on how to treat a woman."

He looked up at me with that honest expression I hated so much. "On the contrary, I think I'm _very_ qualified in this instance, and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did."

I sneered at him. "Don't worry. I won't. I happen to know what a condom is."

The color drained from his face as he felt the full weight of my meaning. "Jason," he whispered. "I didn't mean you."

I wanted to get rid of him. I'd had enough of his lies. Time to go in for the kill. "Really? I would think that a bastard child would be at the top of your mistakes list."

"Don't," he warned, and I could almost feel the anger rising behind those blue eyes of his.

"Don't what? Don't make the same mistake? Well, I won't. And even if I did…it wouldn't matter. I _want_ to marry Kate. If she came to me tomorrow and told me she was pregnant, it wouldn't be a problem. _ I_ wouldn't run away."

I continued on my way toward the deli, satisfied and finished talking about the past, but apparently_ he_ wasn't finished yet.

"Does she know?" he asked, his voice hard.

I stopped. "Know what?"

"Does. She. Know?" he repeated, saying each word slowly, as if I were ignorant.

I understood what he was asking. It was the same thing Mom had asked the other night. And yet I still wasn't ready to answer the question. Not to him, at least. I didn't have to answer to him.

"I'll take your silence as a no," he quipped. "You have to tell her, Jason."

"Why? _You_ didn't," I spat.

"No, I didn't." There was a cold edge to his voice I hadn't heard before. "That's the mistake I was talking about, Jason. If you love Kate, you owe her the truth. _All_ of the truth, no matter how much you want to deny it. And if she loves you, it won't matter."

I slowly turned to glare at him over my shoulder. "Are you giving me permission to spoil your precious little secret?"

His jaw was hard, and for the first time in my entire life I saw the power in his eyes that so many men feared. "I don't care _what_ you tell her about me, so long as she understands who you are."

I couldn't resist. "And who am I?" The door was open. All he had to do was say it. I _dared_ him to say it.

A siren sounded in the distance, drawing both his and my focus away from the tension between us and over to the danger a few blocks away.

"Go," I ordered. "Go save some _stranger_."

He held my gaze, but I knew he wouldn't last long. The sirens were growing in intensity. It would only be a matter of seconds before someone would call for his help.

"Tell her the truth, Jason."

And just like that he was gone. I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply and willing my heart to stop pounding so hard against my chest. I shook off the aggression I was feeling and tried to mask it with a smile as I entered the deli. Kate was already sitting down at a table at the far end.

"Where were you?" she asked with concern.

"Oh, you know," I said with a wave of my hand. "I just lost track of time." I should have known she wouldn't be satisfied with that answer. Kate was the type who made a career out of asking questions.

"But where were you?" she asked again.

"I was…in the practice room…working on my music." I knew before I even finished talking that I had been caught in a lie.

Her eyes hardened and her mouth turned down in a frown. "Jason, I went to the music building. Professor Bolyard said he hadn't seen you since you left your lesson."

Damn it. I had to do some quick thinking. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably until the perfect idea hit me. "Right," I sighed. "Okay, you caught me. I was um…picking up your birthday present." It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. What I had discussed…or rather, fought about, with him this evening did involve her birthday and the fact that I wanted to propose.

Her face softened. "My present, huh?" She nudged me with her shoulder. "Does this gift happen to sparkle?"

I smirked at her. "Maybe."

"And is it something I can wear?"

I nodded my head, playing along with her.

She bit her bottom lip. "You know, you don't have to wait to give it to me on Saturday. You could just give it to me now. I could wear it tonight."

"Hum…tonight, huh?"

She leaned into me, brushing her lips over mine in that way that drove me crazy. "Tonight."

"Yeah," I said, kissing her back. "I would love to see you in a sequined and rhinestone-studded bra."

She sat up, her mouth hanging open. "Jason!"

I stifled my laugh. "Is there a problem? It sparkles and you can wear it."

She hit my shoulder and turned away from me. As usual, when someone hit me, I pretended to feel it, rubbing the spot and saying, "Ow!"

"If that's how you want to play, fine. I guess you don't want me to come over tonight."

"Now wait a sec! That's not what I said!" I tried to pull her closer to me, knowing she was teasing me.

She jerked away, trying to keep a straight face. "You'll start singing a different tune when your privileges are taken away!"

"Privileges?" I mocked.

"Well…benefits," she corrected.

I nearly snorted. "I think it's a lot more than just benefits." I leaned over and took her hand in mine.

"How much more?"

I kissed her knuckles. "Ask me again on Saturday."

She shook her head at me. "You are rotten, you know that?"

"Yeah, but you love me for it."

"I do love you."

Our eyes locked and again we leaned towards each other for another kiss. The whirl of a siren and loud voices out in the street interrupted our moment. Everyone in the deli turned to watch what was happening outside. A few people even walked out onto the sidewalk to get a better view. A small crowd was gathering, filling with wide-eyed onlookers amazed at what they were seeing.

Superman.

He stood in front of a car that looked as if it had seen better days, holding it in place with his bare hands. The two people in the car were shouting swear words at him, one of them waving a gun. Two police cars screeched to a halt, surrounding the car. The cops immediately jumped out of their vehicles and aimed their weapons at the men in the old car. Superman walked to the passenger side, and the man holding the gun knew his game was over. He let Superman take the gun from him, sneering and tossing out a few more choice words for everyone to hear.

"Maybe prison will teach you some better manners," Superman said. "Officers. Can you take it from here?"

One of the officers nodded. "Thanks, Superman."

"Glad to be of help." As was his tradition, he waved to the crowd of people and flew off into the sky.

"Oh my God, he is SO dreamy!" one of the girls at the table next to us sighed, fanning herself.

Kate rolled her eyes and made a face as if she were about to vomit.

I looked down at my hands in embarrassment.

"It's just sick," Kate growled. "The way they worship him like he's a god or something. I hate that."

"I know," I mumbled under my breath. "It's as if he can do no wrong."

She looked over at me. "I mean, really. What did he do just now that a human couldn't have done? Granted, he did it faster. But still, the police could have taken them down. Sometimes I think Superman only helps people so he can get the attention. Show-off. I bet if he had stayed on Krypton, he would have been a big nobody. Take away his powers and…well…there's not much there but blue eyes and teeth so perfect they look like they've been capped." She grimaced and clicked her tongue in disgust.

Something in my stomach lurched. As much as I hated him for the way I had been brought up, it somehow didn't feel right talking about him behind his back. I had said mean and vicious things right to his face only moments ago…and yet now I found it difficult to agree with Kate that Superman wasn't all he was cracked up to be. Was I going insane?

"You all right?" Kate's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"I'm fine. Why?"

"I dunno. You look…."She tilted her head at me. "Is it Superman? I know you don't like him."

"No, I don't," I mumbled.

She smiled. "Let's get out of here. Away from the awe-struck spectators." She held out her hand to me as she stood up, and I gladly took it.

"Yeah."

I forced my face to smile and appear happy, but the feeling in my gut didn't go away. All evening long, I felt as if something were looming over me, threatening the peace Kate usually brought to my life. I couldn't shake off the fact that no matter how often she said she loved me, I would always doubt the verity of those words, so long as she didn't know the truth about my parentage.

That night, as she slept with her head resting against my shoulder and her arm draped over my chest, my mind raced through the possibilities of just how she would react were I to explain that I was…that I wasn't exactly…human. She would freak out, that much I knew for certain. She'd tell me she didn't love me anymore and that she hated my alien nature. Worse than that, she'd look at me in that way that made me feel so small and worthless, like I didn't belong on this planet.

I tired to convince myself that it didn't matter. She didn't really need to know. What good would it do to tell her, anyway? It wasn't as if I could really do anything spectacular. Telling her would only make things difficult between us.

And yet I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be able to keep this a secret forever. Someday she would find out. And what then? If she found out after we were married, would she hate me even more for duping her into fusing her life with an alien? And if we had children…would they be like me? Would they be freaks with just enough power to make them inhumanly odd, but not enough power to ever make a real difference?

Kate stirred in my arms, sighing and looking up at me with sleepy eyes. "You're awake?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry if I was bothering you."

"What's wrong?"

"I just…" _was wondering if you would still love me if you knew I wasn't one hundred percent human._ "It's nothing."

Her fingers traced circles over my bare stomach. "If it's keeping you awake at night, then it's not nothing." She kissed the center of my chest and laid her head back down on my shoulder.

My heart thumped madly, telling me that I should explain to her now while she was relaxed. I opened my mouth to speak, but my brain shouted at me, warning me that it was very wrong to use an intimate moment like this to drop a bombshell on the woman you loved.

"You're so warm," she breathed against my neck, sending a shiver through my entire body. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I'm always running a temp," I muttered, reminding her of the lie I had used for years to explain my unusual body temperature.

"I know. You just feel warmer than usual."

My eyes closed slowly as I allowed the lie to sink deeper. "It was a hot day today." Damn the sunlight.

She hummed and pressed her body more fully against my side. "Jason, whatever is bothering you…you can tell me."

"I'm just preoccupied. You know…with the contest." I hated myself for how easy it was to lie to her.

She yawned. "Well, if you are worried at all about Saturday…and if I might like my birthday present…"

How did she know?

"Don't worry about it, Jason. I promise you…it's what I want." Her eyes fluttered closed as she whispered the last comment, leaving me lost in the turmoil I had created by my half-truths.

As much as I had struggled to be different from _him_…it hurt too much to realize that I was just like him.


	5. Chapter 4

_AN: As promised, this chapter has lots more action to it. I hope you feel the pacing of it as I intended. I'm hoping this chapter reads as well as I envision it in my head. I've had this scene eating away at my brain for weeks now. It plays like a movie in my head and trying to describe everything well enough to do it justice is a little daunting. My beta reader told me without prompting that she felt it played out like a movie, and that's exactly what I was going for. So I hope that most of you feel the same way. _

_Thanks to Red Devil and htbthomas for the great beta reads and for cheering me on. And thank you to each and every one of you that has left a review. I feel like I'm the dark horse in the fan fic world of Superman right now. Not everyone can tolerate the angst, but those of you that are enjoying it enough to tell me which parts especially moved you are the ones that keep me writing. I still have loads of angst to work through with these characters, but if you stick with me, I just might be able to have them reach a reasonable resolution and still stay true to the story line I have thrust them into. Really – thank you! I thrive on feedback!_

**Chapter Four**

"Oh, Jason! This is beautiful!"

Kate's face lit up in pure astonishment as she slowly turned around and took in her surroundings. Her eyes traveled over the lush forest, complete with its green foliage and various plants in bloom. The terrain was slightly rocky, with a cliff climbing skyward in the distance and a small stream with trickling, clear water nearby.

"It's exactly what I was wanting!" she gasped.

"I know," I replied.

She smirked at me. "How did you find this place?"

I shrugged, knowing that I couldn't very well explain that the first time I saw this forest it was from the sky while flying without the help of an airplane. "Just because I've lived in Metropolis all my life doesn't mean we never took vacations," I offered. "We came here a few times when I was a kid." _We_ meaning me and _him_ even though we never really came here. We just flew over it. Kate would assume I was referring to my mom and dad, and I wasn't about to correct her.

"I love it," she sighed, wrapping her arms around my neck and smiling brightly.

"I thought you might."

She had mentioned a while ago how much she missed nature. There were trees and flowers and such scattered about Metropolis, but not the thick, far-as-the-eye-can-see type of nature that she was used to back home in Virginia. I had decided right then and there to bring her here for her birthday. The coast was pretty heavily populated, but a two-hour drive up state was all it took for Kate to have the scenery she had been longing for.

"I guess this explains the picnic basket, huh?" she said, planting a quick kiss on my lips.

"Well, I figured you would want to eat at some point today, and the closest McDonalds is about a half hour away."

"I am hungry," she confirmed. Her eyes shifted lower suddenly as she stared at me in an entirely seductive manner. "But I'm not really wanting food right now."

"No food?" I smirked, pulling her body against mine.

"Nuh uh," she said, shaking her head. "Please tell me you brought some kind of a blanket for us to um…_sit_ on."

A moment later, I had the blanket spread out on the soft, green grass and welcomed Kate to sit down next to me. She knelt down slowly and pushed on my shoulder, indicating that she wanted me to lie down. I happily obliged her, bringing her down with me. Our lips met passionately as we took advantage of the solitude of our surroundings.

Much to our mutual disappointment, that solitude only lasted a few minutes. Voices and raucous laughter in the distance alerted both of us to the fact that we wouldn't be alone for long. The sounds were coming from several young men who could just barely be seen making their way though the woods.

Kate groaned and rolled to the side, covering her face with her arm irritably. "Can't they hike somewhere else?"

"It's okay," I assured her. "They'll pass by and go on their way and we will be left on our own again."

She made a face at me showing what little faith she had in that plan. Suddenly, she sat straight up and twisted around to look behind her. "Where's the water coming from?"

I looked around to try to see what she was referring to. I hadn't noticed the sound of the water, which surprised me. Kate was obviously a good distraction.

"The water has to come from somewhere," she said. "Didn't we pass a cave a little ways back?"

"I think so. Why?"

She stood up and held out her hand to me. "Come on. Let's go find it."

"You want to leave our perfect picnic spot to go look for a cave?" I asked in disbelief.

"I want to leave this spot that will soon be crawling with teenage boys to go find a more secluded spot where you and I can be alone for a while," she explained.

"But a cave?" I said skeptically. "That's not very…"

"Romantic?"

"Comfortable."

In the distance, one of the boys shouted. "Hey, look, I think those people are making out!" His friends snickered and cheered in response.

Kate eyed me and crossed her arms over her chest. "Still want to stay here?"

I didn't need to rethink it. "The cave it is."

We haphazardly stuffed the blanket back into the basket and made our way down the stream to the opening of the cave hidden under the slope of the cliff.

"It looks wet," I frowned.

"It looks private," she countered, heading into the cave without so much as a glance back at me.

I sighed and followed her in. We walked hand in hand for a while until the light began to fade to near darkness. I felt her hands grab at my shirt and tug me forward until our lips met. She moved backwards until her back was pressed against the wall of the cave. "This is much better," she muttered against my mouth.

"Only you would think a cave is better than the soft grass," I managed between kisses.

"And only you would think I'd be willing to make love in a cave," she panted, as the kissing grew more intense.

"You don't want to make love?" I said, rather surprised.

She pulled my shirt out from my waist band and slid her cool hands up my back. "Not until I get my birthday present."

I traced her jaw line with my nose, stopping to kiss the spot where her neck met her ear. "This is your present."

She arched against me and dug her nails into the skin on my back, driving me wild with desire. "Jason." My name uttered in that way was the most intoxicating thing I'd ever heard. "Ask me."

"Ask you?" I questioned, nuzzling the soft, fragrant skin of her neck.

"Ask me," she repeated, kissing me fully on the lips.

I couldn't wait any longer. "Marry me?"

"Yes."

And just like that, the tide burst open and what little restraint we were holding in check broke. She kissed me with a reckless abandon I'd never felt before. I tried to hold back, constantly reminding myself that I had to be gentle…constantly gentle…careful. I'd always been careful with her – never rough, always tender and delicate. If I didn't control myself, I could very easily hurt her. Especially here in this dangerous rocky place. But Kate wasn't interested in talking things slowly. Her legs wrapped around my waist, pulling me snugly against her. Her hands were everywhere at once, distracting me from my task of keeping her safe. I couldn't do this here. The risk to Kate was too great. As much as my body would hate me for it, my mind knew that I had to stop.

I broke away from her kisses rather abruptly and pounded my fist against the wall of the cave. "Damn it!"

Her eyes were wide with confusion. "What's wrong?"

"Your ring."

She blinked. "My ring?"

"Yes, you know, your engagement ring." Slowly, carefully, I pushed her away from me until her legs were firmly planted on the ground. "I've been carrying the blasted thing in my pocket for days now, worried that I would forget it. And now I have done just that."

She smiled. "It will be there when we get home." She leaned forward to resume the kiss, but I knew if things got heated up again I wouldn't be able to stop.

"It's in the car," I said.

"Oh! Well then, we can get it when we go back to the car."

"But I want you to have it now."

Her face fell. "But we would have to leave."

I looked at her frown and decided to try the honesty route. "Kate, I can't make love to you in a cave." I listened very closely to try to determine the location of the boys. When I didn't hear them, I said, "Besides, I bet those kids have gone."

She thought about it for a moment, and in the sudden silence a new sound could be heard. The sound of cracking rock…sliding…grinding. "What is that?" she asked, turning around to try to find the source of the sound.

And then I realized what had happened…I had pounded on the wall. I must have hit it too hard and cracked something in the rock. My eyes were drawn up to the ceiling of the cave only a few feet above us to see the crack forming…breaking…ripping.

"Shit," I gasped. "Run!"

I grabbed Kate's hand and pulled her behind me, my feet traveling faster than normal in an attempt to escape before the rock fell on top of us.

"Jason! I can't keep up!"

Her hand slipped from mine as she tripped over some loose rocks and landed with a thud on the floor of the cave. She screamed in pain…or was it in fear?

"Kate!" I called, darting back to kneel by her side. "Come on, we have to get out of here!"

"I can't!" she cried. "My ankle!"

Before I had a chance to even try to pick her up – before I could even think of another solution – the wall of the cave collapsed down around us.

Everything happened as if in slow motion. Kate's scream echoed through the cave as she turned onto her stomach and covered her head, waiting for the rocks to crush her. My mouth formed the word, "NO!" as I yelled out in desperation. Instinct kicked in and I flipped onto my back and locked my arms straight out above me. The wall fell down into my hands, knocking the breath out of me and scattering a few rocks over the ground.

Beside me, Kate still had her face covered. Her panting breath matched mine as I used every ounce of my strength to hold the wall up. Slowly, her face turned to the side to look at me in wonder before her gaze traveled the remaining distance over my arms to come to a stop on the wall above us.

"Jason?" she whimpered in a mix of terror and wonder.

"Kate, listen to me," I panted. "You have to get out of here."

Her eyes were wide with fear. "No."

"Yes," I hissed. "I don't know how long I can hold this. You have to crawl out of here."

Tears were swelling up in her beautiful green eyes. "No, Jason. I'm not leaving you."

"Kate, just trust me on this! Get out of here! Get help!"

"Help?"

I closed my eyes, cursing myself for what I was about to say, knowing it would be the end of everything I had built with her. "Superman," I muttered. I swallowed hard, fighting back the anger I felt at myself for having to rely on him once again. My breath caught in my throat and I felt my arms begin to shake. There wasn't time to dwell on my inadequacies.

I looked into her tear-filled eyes with intensity. "Crawl out of here," I stammered, "and yell for Superman."

"What?" She gaped at me.

"Yell for him. Say my name. Say it over and over again until he comes."

"Jason…I…"

I knew what I was asking of her. I knew she didn't believe he would come.

"Trust me!" My breath was ragged. "He'll come. If you say my name, he'll come."

The tears were falling down her cheeks now. Her chin quivered as she said, "I love you."

I wondered if it would be the last time I would hear her say it. "I love you, too. Now please, hurry!"

The sound of her body sliding away from mine was soon replaced with her cries for help. I closed my eyes again, feeling awful for making her call out to the one man she never wanted to call out for. Her voice rang out through the cave, piercing my heart.

"SUPERMAN!" She sobbed. "SUPERMAN HELP US! IT'S JASON! PLEASE!" A cry caught in her throat as she gasped for air through her tears. "PLEASE! JASON IS HURT! HE'LL DIE!" Another sob echoed through the cave before her voice rose in intensity and desperation. "JASON WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T COME AND HELP US! PLEASE!" She was crying full out now, her voice falling as she began to lose hope. "Please…please don't let him die. Please."

And then she gasped, inhaling sharply, her cries stopping entirely.

"Where is he?"

It was his voice that asked the question – that deep, soothing voice that gave no room for doubt that everything would be all right.

"The cave," Kate muttered. "He's in the cave."

"JASON!" he called out to me.

I pursed my lips, hating him for being the one I had to depend on, while at the same time feeling relieved that he was here. My arms ached under the weight of the wall and I knew I didn't have long before my strength gave out.

"I'm here!" I answered.

"Jason, can you see me?"

I winced, thinking of how Kate would respond to my answer. I squinted at the rock above me, concentrating on the molecules as they whirled around me until they blurred and became clear. The rock was thick above me, but there, high above the cliff side, was Superman.

"I see you," I managed.

"Jason, the rock is solid. If I try to burrow you out, I risk the rest of the mountain coming down on top of you."

He was right. "Okay," I called, waiting for his solution.

"I'm going to burn a hole through it, wide enough for you to push the rock out. When you see enough light, I want you to toss the rock up to me."

I groaned. Could he make it any more obvious to Kate that I was a freak?

"Fine," I spat out in anger.

The heat from his eyes went to work melting the rock above me, cutting a hole wide enough for the wall I was still somehow managing to hold up. The beams cut closer and closer to me, rapidly easing some of the burden I was supporting. As soon as I felt enough of the rock give way, I lowered the wall just enough to give me some leverage to heave it forward. I gritted my teeth, straining under the weight of the wall, and pushed with all of my might. The wall went soaring upwards until he caught it and slowly lowered it onto the cliff.

Free from the strain of the wall, I tried to breathe deeply only to find my lungs gasping for air. Dust particles filled the empty space and I coughed and wheezed as a result.

From above, I heard him say, "Are you all right?"

I could hardly speak. "Yeah," I coughed. "Gimme a sec."

"Get out into the sunlight," he ordered.

I rolled onto my stomach and coughed into the crook of my arm. "I'll be fine." I said it even though I was still having trouble getting enough air into my lungs.

"Where is your inhaler?"

Good Lord! He really thought I was still a child! "I got rid of that annoying thing years ago," I wheezed through another coughing fit. "I don't need it anymore than I need the damned sun." I nearly choked getting the last bit out, but I couldn't hold back from saying it. My ego had taken a beating and I wasn't going to go down without a fight.

Firm hands suddenly gripped tightly at my arms, pulling me off the ground and soaring into the air. I thrashed around, kicking my legs and struggling against his grip. "Put me down!" I barked though another cough.

But he wouldn't listen. We flew higher and higher, over the trees, above the clouds, up into the thin atmosphere; all the while I squirmed and tried to break free of his hold. He came to a stop facing the sun. The light was so bright it stung even my eyes to look at it.

"You can hate me all you want, Jason," he said from behind me. "I will stay out of your life, if that is what you want. But don't you _ever_ turn your back on the sun!" He'd never spoken to me so forcefully before, and I trembled. "It is your strength. It is your life. Ignore your connection to me if you want, but don't you _dare_ ignore the sun."

I froze, not knowing how to respond.

"Now, look at it!" he demanded.

I was still panting, both out of exhaustion and in surprise at how he was addressing me. "I…I…"

"Look at it!" He thrust me forward, out into the open air away from his body so that the only thing I felt, other than his hands on my arms, was the glorious warmth of the sunlight.

Hesitantly, I gazed directly into the sun, blinking rapidly until my eyes adjusted to the light. My breathing gently slowed as the heat radiated and pulsed through me. My eyes slid shut and my head fell back as I soaked up the radiation and felt my body begin to return to normal. My heart slowed and settled into a more regular rhythm. The blood in my veins throbbed with energy. Every molecule in my body responded with strength.

When I opened my eyes, I immediately caught the sound of Kate's cries from below. I glanced over my shoulder and said, "I feel better, so will you take me down now?"

"Another minute. Your pulse is still too fast."

I sighed and shifted around, waiting. The minute passed too slowly and I again demanded that he put me down. "Listen, Kate is freaking out down there," I pointed out. "I can hear her, so I know you can, too. Now please, take me back down there before she has a coronary!"

"All right, Jason," he complied. "We can go back now."


	6. Chapter 5

_AN: Thanks so much for the wonderful reviews. I've been trying to contact most of you to let you know how much those reviews mean to me. I'm sorry if I've missed someone. The more feedback I get, the better I can grow as a writer. And thanks to the beta readers, Hellish and htbthomas. You guys are always so supportive!_

_This chapter, as well as the next few chapters, is heavy on the dialogue side. I'm MUCH better at dialogue than I am at action, I think. So if you are an action fan, I'm sorry. But if you like dialogue and character exploration, then this should be right up your alley. I'm going to wait until I have the next two chapters written before I post again, so it might be a while. I need to make sure everything gets said that needs to be said, and the way I hear it in my mind shifts from day to day. So just to be safe, I won't post anything until I'm sure all of the conversation gets worked into the best spot. _

_Also, I wanted to make something very clear, as I think so many of us in the fandom have assumed otherwise. I went to the IMBD data base to see how Jason's name was listed in the credits. He is listed as Jason WHITE, not Lane. I even went to see the movie again (in IMAX-3D which was just…WOWOWOW!!) and paid close attention to see if that's how it appeared in the credits. Sure enough, he is Jason WHITE, not Lane. I feel it only adds fuel to the fire I've started here._

_And can I just say that watching the movie after reading fan fiction like the Superman Parody and such is a totally different experience? I had lines from all kinds of fan fics running through my head. And for me, being the one who made their relationship a bad one, the ending scene between father and son nearly made me cry. I'm evil. I know. But I'll work it out for them. _

**Chapter Five**

We floated back down to earth gracefully. Even in my torn state of mind, I couldn't deny the awe I felt whenever I flew with him. There was a sense of peace about leaving the world behind and escaping to a place no one else could see. It was the one power I had most wanted to inherit from him – the only power I wouldn't have minded developing. It only made it that much more cruel when I figured out I would never fly on my own. My molecular structure was just too human to allow me to ever defy gravity as he could. Once that fact had sunk into my brain, I refused to ever fly with him again. It had been nearly five years since my feet had left the ground without the aid of an airplane.

He landed first, as usual, and didn't entirely release me from his grip until my feet were securely planted on the ground. I whirled around to give him a hard look before running to Kate's side. She was sitting on a rock, her clothes covered in dirt and tears streaking down her face. 

"Jason!" she cried, grabbing on to me and hugging me tightly. "I thought you were going to die."

I hushed her and wrapped my arms around her in comfort. "I'm fine."

She looked into my face, searching. "You're fine? You're really okay?"

I smiled. "Yes, I'm fine. I was more worried about you than anything else." I sunk down to sit on the ground and examine her ankle. "Oh, honey, it's so swollen."

"It hurts like hell," she said with a sniff.

I ran my fingers lightly over the puffy skin near the wound. "I should get you to a hospital to see if it's broken."

"Look more closely, Jason," a deep voice instructed from beside me. "She's got a hairline fracture right here." He indicated the location of the break for me to see.

I could see it, but Kate didn't know that. And I wasn't especially keen to start acting as if everything was out in the open now. Based on the last conversation I had with him, and the fact that Kate had called for his help, Superman probably thought I had told her the truth as he had suggested.

I scowled at him. "I'm sure I would see that if I had X-ray vision," I said slowly and purposefully. My eyes darted to Kate for a moment and then back to him, hoping he'd catch on to the fact that I hadn't told Kate anything.

To my luck, he did. "In any case, she does need medical attention."

I took her hands in mine. "I'll drive you to the nearest hospital. Metropolis is hours away."

"I could take her," he offered. "It wouldn't be any trouble and I could get her to Metropolis in no time."

"I want to stay with Jason," she said tensely, frowning at Superman.

"That's all right, I understand." He smiled that kind smile he often gave the people he helped and backed away from us a few steps. "It was nice to have met you, Kate."

"What?" she gasped.

I froze. He had slipped. I couldn't figure out how he was going to lie his way out of this one.

"How do you know my name?" she asked in confusion.

The smile on his face didn't falter. "Jason has spoken very highly of you."

I cringed, knowing that only made things worse.

"What?" Her focus shifted to me. "Since when do you talk to Superman? And what are you doing talking to him about me?"

My mouth hung open as I tried to form a cohesive thought.

"Jason," she whimpered. "What is going on?"

"I'm sorry if you're confused, Kate," that rich, honest voice explained for me. "I know Jason through his mother. We don't really talk that much, but he did mention you once."

How the hell did he do that? Was his brain programmed to come up with words that were only as truthful as they needed to be?

Kate's face contorted into a look of utter confusion and puzzlement. The half-true explanation hadn't done anything to clear things up for her, and I knew it. Her eyes darted between Superman and me as she tried to put the pieces together. I kept my eyes down, hoping she wouldn't see any resemblance. Inside my heart, I was hoping she would just let it go, but I knew that was a pointless hope—Kate wasn't the type to just let things go.

Before Kate could ask any more questions, Superman nodded in our direction. "I'm glad to see that you are both safe. Don't waste any time getting that ankle taken care of. I'll leave you to your afternoon."

I groaned inwardly, closing my eyes and trying to ignore the guilt I was feeling. I could so easily just let him fly away, but I didn't want it hanging over my head that I had called out for his help and didn't even have the decency to thank him. I shook my head and said, "Wait!"

I turned slightly to find him hovering just off the ground. "Thank you," I said evenly.

He smiled, and it was a genuine smile, which only served in making me feel worse about the situation. "Anytime, Jason."

Had we been alone, I would have said, "Anytime I'm in trouble, you mean." But I held my tongue.

And just as quickly as he had arrived, he was gone again, leaving me alone to clean up the mess I had created.

I turned back to Kate to find her staring at me in complete bewilderment. I couldn't meet her gaze. I was too embarrassed. "Come on, let's get you to a hospital."

I tired to take her hand, but she shook me away. "It can wait."

"No, Kate, you're hurt and I think -"

"I think you'd better explain to me what just happened."

I rubbed my neck, feeling anxious and tense as I said, "There was a cave-in and Superman helped us out."

She blinked. "And that's it?"

"Well, what do you think happened?" I figured this way I would know exactly what she had seen and heard. Then I'd have a better understanding of how to proceed.

"I don't know," she shook her head. "To be honest with you, I'm a bit…muddled."

Good. Stay muddled. "I think we should get you to a doctor, get your ankle looked at, and…"

"And?"

I didn't know what would come next, so I chose not to answer her. "Come on, I'll carry you." I scooped her up in my arms and started back towards the car. She didn't resist, so I took it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, she was confused enough by the situation to let it go.

I was wrong.

"You picked me up as if I didn't weigh a thing."

"Kate, you don't weigh that much."

"A hundred and twenty-five pounds is not nothing." She paused, waiting for me to say something, I guessed. I _should_ have said something, for maybe it would have stopped her from making her next comment. "Of course, what's a measly hundred and twenty-five pounds compared to the weight of an entire wall of rock?"

I wet my lips and kept walking. "Kate, please."

"Please what? Please forget that you just saved our lives?"

"Superman did that."

"Superman wasn't in that cave. Superman wasn't the one holding that wall up long enough for me to get out of there." Her voice was starting to shake.

"What is it you want me to say?"

"How about the truth?"

"The truth." I couldn't tell her the truth. It hurt too much to admit it. "Haven't you ever heard of people doing extraordinary things in extraordinary situations? That they can do things that they normally shouldn't be able to do when they need to do them to save someone who -"

"Oh, that's crap!" she snapped. "You're talking out of your ass, Jason. Don't even try to tell me that this was one of those miraculous, unexplainable situations. You didn't look at all surprised that you caught that wall."

On that account, she was wrong. "Actually, I _was_ surprised."

"Well, you could have fooled me."

We had reached the car and I gently placed her in the passenger side of the vehicle and closed the door. I knew she wouldn't give up pressing me for information any time soon, but I had to get her to a doctor. It would probably be the longest car ride of my life, but for Kate's sake, I would have to get through it.

I climbed into the driver's seat and shut my door. We sat in the quiet for a moment before I put the key in the ignition.

"So, is that it?" she asked. "Are we just going to ignore what happened? Pass it off as a miracle and just go on with our lives as if it never happened?"

"I can if you can."

"Jason!" she yelled at me. "Are you kidding me? Are you really not going to tell me what's going on?"

That was it. I couldn't keep it up anymore. I pounded the steering wheel in frustration. "What is it that you what to know, Kate?"

"How did you hold that wall up?"

"With my hands."

She scowled. "I'll rephrase. How were you able to hold that wall up with your hands?"

"Because I'm stronger than you."

"Are you playing a game with me?"

"You asked for the truth, so I'm telling you the truth."

"Half-truths."

"Yeah, well," I laughed. "I was taught by a master."

She glared at me. "What did he do to you?"

"Who?"

"Superman. I mean, I know that you don't like him, but I always assumed it was because your mother made such a fuss over him, making him out to be some sort of a god. But what did he really do to you?"

Why did she have to be so smart?

"Did he transfer some of his powers to you or something?"

I gulped. "How do you mean?"

"I don't know. He's an alien, right? And he's got those crystals that Lex Luthor stole that one time. Kryptonians were supposed to be an advanced people – advanced enough to send one of their own to the other side of the universe. Did he do something to you?"

"No, Kate," I said before I had time to think. I should have let her believe what she wanted to believe, but something inside me couldn't go on lying. "It isn't like that."

"Then what is it like?" Her voice was quivering now, and I wasn't sure if she was angry or frightened. "You have strength like him– amazing strength. And then he talks to you like you can see my bones through my skin. And then – and then you go flying up into the sky where I can't see you!"

"I didn't fly!" I corrected.

"Yes, you did, Jason!" she bit. "I saw it with my own eyes! You went up into the clouds and you stayed up there for what seemed like an eternity doing God knows what!"

"But _I _didn't fly! He took me up there, Kate!"

"All right, he took you up there. What difference does it make?"

"It makes one hell of a difference! I. Can't. Fly." I punctuated each word individually.

"Then why did he take you up there?"

"For the sunlight."

She snorted. "Is there something wrong with the sunlight down here?"

"Yeah, it's filtered!" I couldn't believe I was saying this to her, but the dam had opened and out it poured. "Through the clouds and the ozone. The radiation we feel down here is nothing to what you get up there."

"He exposed you to radiation?"

"Yes."

"But why?" she howled.

"Because -" GOOD LORD! This was so humiliating. "What do you know about Krypton?"

"It's his planet."

"Yeah, and they had a red sun that affected them the way our sun affects us. But here on Earth, the sun is yellow and it affects him differently. That's why he's so strong and he can burn things with his eyes and do all that other stuff. It's how he gets his strength. His body channels the energy of the sun. It rejuvenates him when he's tired."

She shrugged at me. "So, he took you up there because he was tired?"

I held her gaze, knowing I was about to cross a line I had promised myself I would never cross. "No, Kate. _He_ wasn't tired. _ I_ was."

Her frown deepened as she considered my words. "You're from Krypton?" she asked softly.

"No, I was born right here on Earth. Krypton was destroyed hundreds of years ago."

"Then you're human?"

I sighed heavily. "That depends on your definition of 'human.'"

She tutted at me. "Human, Jason. Mortal. From Earth. Not an alien."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that.

"You're _not_ human?" she gasped. "First you tell me you're not Kryptonian, now you're saying you're not human. What are you then?"

"That isn't what I said," I corrected harshly. "You asked if I was from Krypton, and I'm not."

"So then you _are_ Kryptonian?"

Again, I wasn't sure how to answer her.

"Come on, Jason!" she snapped. "This is not a difficult question! Are you Kryptonian or are you human?"

On the contrary, it was the most difficult question for me to answer. "I don't know," I answered honestly.

She roared at me then. "Don't do this to me, Jason! Don't play games with me. Either you're Kryptonian or you're human. Now, which one is it? I mean, you can't be both!"

And then it hit her. I could see it in the way her eyes shifted. The wheels were spinning in her head as her brain put all the pieces together one by one and realization sunk in. She looked at me with that look that I had always dreaded seeing from her. That look that said she didn't quite know what to make of me. A pitiful look of surprise and revulsion crossed her face. Her hand covered her mouth as she gasped, "You're… you're… Superman…is your father."

"No," I bit out. "Richard White is my father."

"And how are you defining 'father'?" she asked, using my own words against me.

"A father, Kate. Someone who is there for you when you need him. Someone who looks after you all the time, not just when you're in trouble. A man who teaches you how to read and play ball and to deal with the shit life throws at you. Who isn't ashamed to be seen in public with you." I paused. "_That's_ a father."

Her eyes were wet with unshed tears. "But…biologically…genetically…?"

My heart raced in my chest as I felt the weight of her wide-eyed stare press on me. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't breathe. The pressure was too much for me to take in. Forcefully, I opened the door and climbed out of the car as fast as I could. The car rocked as I slammed the door shut, making Kate squeal in fright.

I stormed away from the car, hating myself for something I couldn't control. It wasn't my fault I was like this. It wasn't my fault I was born this way. I hated him for putting me in this situation – for not helping me understand better how to deal with my own confusion. How could I ever explain this to Kate when I couldn't even really explain it to myself? How could I expect her to accept me in her life when I could barely accept myself? I hated it. I hated me!

"Jason!" she called out. "Jason, come back!"

"What for," I wanted to say, but I didn't. Go back so she could stare at me some more? So she could tell me I was a liar and a fake and, worst of all, that I was an alien? Go back to hear her say she never wanted to talk to me again, see me again? That she hated me and wanted to forget I even existed?

"Jason, please! I'm sorry! Please come back!"

She was…sorry? Sorry for what? She hadn't done anything wrong. Her reaction was typical of what any normal human would do when faced with a freak like me. What did she have to be sorry for?

"Jason! You're scaring me!"

I closed my eyes and tried to shut out the world, but the words he had spoken to me only a few days ago echoed in my head.

_Promise me you'll be careful._

I had been so careless. Hitting that wall…causing that cave-in…putting her life in danger.

_Don't make the same mistakes I did._

And what had I said? That I wouldn't run away. Wasn't that what I was doing now?

_If she loves you, it won't matter._

If she loved me. _If_. That's a pretty big "if" now that she knew the truth.

"Jason! Please!" She was crying. I could hear her sobs clearly.

I wasn't going to be like him. I wasn't going to just give up and get out when things were too hard. I doubted there was any chance of ever winning her back, but at least I wouldn't be the one who walked away from her. If she didn't want me, then I would give her the satisfaction of being the one to walk away. I had lied to her, deceived her, but I wouldn't abandon her. I wouldn't follow in his footsteps.

I headed back to the car and climbed behind the wheel, carefully shutting the door this time. Next to me, Kate was sniffling, her eyes red with tears. I could hear how hard and fast her heart was beating. I glanced down at her foot to see that her ankle was swollen even more than it was before now.

"I'll take you to the hospital. They'll put a cast on your foot. And then I'll take you home."

She nodded, dabbing at her tears. "And then what?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "Let's just get your foot taken care of first. That's something we can fix. The rest…the rest we'll deal with later."


	7. Chapter 6

_AN: This chapter is HUGE! I normally don't like to put out such large chapters, but I couldn't find a natural divide for it and I certainly couldn't cut out any of what Jason had to say. I feel it's all very important, and I hope you get the full sense of just how miserable he is. _

_Many thanks to htbthomas and Hellish Red Devil for reading through this monster and finding all my mistakes. They deserve some kind of a reward for telling me this chapter didn't seem long at all! LOL! _

_And again, thank you to everyone who was so kind to leave a review. For those of you tat are repeat reviewers, I know your names and I've been trying to contact you to let you know how much it means to me that you keep coming back for more. I'm not done yet. Believe it or not, Jason still has stuff to say after this. Kate will have more questions…and I simply must have a real show down between Jason and his father. What's a Superman fic without much Superman? Chapter seven is in the hands of the betas, so it shouldn't be long until it's posted. I hope this chapter tides you over for a while._

**Chapter Six**

Seven hours later, as I stood outside of Kate's bedroom watching her sleep, I fought with myself about what I should do next. The trip to the hospital had been a fairly short one in distance; it only took about fifteen minutes, yet they were the longest fifteen minutes of my life. We sat in silence most of the time, her eyes darting to glance at me in curiosity only to quickly shift to look out the window when I caught her glance. I could feel the anger coming from her like heat waves, and I knew she was entirely justified in feeling that way.

She only spoke when she saw the sign for the hospital. We checked her into the emergency room and after a very tense and uncomfortable wait, she was taken in a wheelchair back to have her foot examined. I offered to go with her, wanting to be supportive. After all, I still loved her and was worried about her. I wanted to make sure she was taken care of. However, she said she would be fine without me.

Those words stung.

I heard what she was too polite to say - she would be fine without me, both in the hospital and in everyday life. I knew that her words were only a precursor to what would come in the future. She wouldn't want me around – the freak of nature – the half man, half alien. And then I'd be left alone to face the reality of my existence without her.

It had taken several hours at the hospital for them to X-ray her foot, examine the damage, and wrap her ankle in the necessary casting material to help heal her broken bones. I waited anxiously in the lobby until they wheeled her out with her discharge paperwork. She was slightly loopy, not making total sense when she spoke, for they had given her a sedative to help with the pain. Thank God for that because she slept the whole trip back to Metropolis. Now, back in her apartment, I had carefully placed her on the bed where she remained sound asleep.

We had been home for over an hour when her eyes fluttered open in confusion. She glanced around her room, squinting into the semi-darkness as if looking for something. "Jason?"

I was pleasantly surprised to hear her ask for me, for I thought she might not like the idea of me hanging around after everything that had happened today. "I'm right here," I answered, stepping into the room.

"What happened? How did we get home?"

"We drove," I said, knowing that she was probably wondering if I had done anything superhuman to get her home. "They gave you some painkillers and it knocked you right out. You slept all the way home."

"Oh, thanks."

"It was no trouble."

"How long have I been out?"

"A while. We've been home for about an hour."

She stared at me with that sad face that expressed how very confused she still was. "You're still here." It wasn't a question.

"I thought it would be rude if I left you here. I wanted to make sure you were okay – that you had everything that you needed before I—"

"Before you…what?"

I shrugged, unable to form the word. "Are you hungry?" I asked after a moment. "There are sandwiches left from the picnic. Or I could make you some tea."

"I need a beer. No, I need some hard liquor."

I pursed my lips. "I don't think that would be such a good idea, considering all the drugs in your system right now."

"Well, sorry, not everyone is impervious to pain."

I didn't snap back. I would let her say whatever she needed to say. I deserved whatever she wanted to toss at me. "Do you want me to go?"

"I don't know, Jason. Do _you_ want to go?"

"No," I replied without hesitation. "But I don't want to stay if it will upset you."

"I'm going to be upset whether you stay or whether you leave."

I sighed. I couldn't keep this up much longer. "You haven't eaten all day. I'll go get you some water and something to eat. Then we can talk."

"Talk?"

"Yes."

"About what?"

"About… this."

"Really? Whatever I want to know, you'll tell me?"

"Yes." I cringed inwardly, not really ready to let anyone, not even Kate, know how very messed up my life was, but it was the only way to mend the damage already done. "But you need to eat something first."

She nodded. "Okay."

I headed to the kitchen and fixed her a plate of fruit and half a sandwich. Knowing that she enjoyed hot tea, I put the kettle on the stove and stepped out onto her patio to wait for the water to boil. To my surprise, or rather, frustration, a streak of red and blue flashed in the sky.

I groaned and slouched over the railing. "I saw you, so there's no need to pretend you aren't listening." I didn't say it very loudly, for he had better hearing than I did.

The wind whipped and suddenly _he_ was standing next to me.

"What do you want?" I asked bitterly.

"I wanted to see how Kate was doing."

"How do you think she's doing? She's got a broken ankle and she found out she's been dating an alien. That's a lot to take in for one day."

He looked away from me, staring out into the sky. "I wish you wouldn't say things like that."

"What? The truth? I thought that's what you stood for."

He didn't respond to my snide comment. Instead, he said, "Then I take it you told her."

I nearly laughed. "I didn't have much of a choice." I sneered at him. "'I know Jason through his mother.' Real nice description there."

"Given the circumstances, I didn't think you would appreciate me getting any more specific."

"Since when have you ever been specific?"

The teakettle sounded, bringing the conversation to a sudden and abrupt halt. "I have to go," I said, heading back inside the apartment. "Don't worry about Kate. She'll be fine. And don't worry about me, either. I'll be fine."

"That's impossible, Jason. I always worry about you."

I didn't want to hear it. "Whatever," I groaned and slid the balcony door shut firmly. Yet I couldn't help but consider how I'd just told him I would be fine without him… the same thing Kate had said to me earlier. My stomach tensed is response.

I fixed up a tray of the food and tea and carried it into Kate's bedroom to find her sitting propped up in bed with a frown on her face. That wasn't a good sign.

"Where should I put this?" I asked, hoping that I could avoid the promised question and answer session.

"Who were you talking to?"

I shrugged and moved some books on the bedside table to set down the tray.

"You were talking to someone."

I ignored her. "You better drink this while it's still warm."

"Jason, I may not have supersonic hearing, but I can hear well enough to distinguish the fact that there were two voices coming from the other room. Now who were you talking to?" she demanded.

I crossed my arms in front of me. "Who do you think?"

"Superman?"

I nodded.

"What did he want?" she asked, nonplused.

"To make sure you were okay."

Her brows furrowed. "Does he normally check up on the people he's rescued, or is that just a privilege given to the women who are sleeping with-?"

"Stop it," I snapped.

"I'm just asking. I've never read anything about him making house calls."

"Look, I know it's creepy that he watches people, but he was just checking on you."

"Like father, like son."

"Will you just stop that?" I barked.

"Stop what?"

"Comparing me to him! I'm not like him!"

"All evidence to the contrary."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing. Just that you _do_ share a lot of similarities."

This was the last thing I wanted to hear from her, but she kept at it, picking at a sore wound that had never healed properly.

"You're strong like him. You have X-ray vision. The shape of your body is like his, too. I mean, I don't know how stupid I could have been to miss it, but you don't even work out! Hell, even your eyes are the same color as his."

"Just stop it, Kate!"

"I'm only pointing out the similarities."

"There aren't any similarities!" I was fast reaching my breaking point. "I'm not him! I'll never be like him!"

"I never said that. Who says you have to be like him?"

"He says it!" She blinked, and before she could even ask the next question, I was blurting out the answer. "It's in the way he looks at me. So disappointed that I can't be like him. Like the way you look at me for being too much like him. I don't know which one is worse."

"I don't look at you that way."

"Yes, you do, Kate. You're doing it right now. As if you don't know what to make of me or how to treat me. That you are waiting for this day to end so you never have to see me again."

"And why would I never want to see you again?"

I tutted. "I don't know. Maybe because you're wishing you never even met me."

"Oh, so you're a mind reader now?"

"No, but it doesn't take a genius to figure it out."

"Well, I have news for you," she said, her voice edgy and piercing. "In spite of the fact that you've kept your entire history a secret from me, I have enjoyed every minute I've spent with you. I wasn't lying when I said that I loved you."

I didn't appreciate the implication there. "And you think I was lying when I said I loved you?"

"You have been lying to me every day we've been together. If you really loved me, you would have trusted me with this."

"Yeah, that would have gone over really well," I scoffed. "That's the perfect way to get a second date. 'I had a really great time tonight. Maybe we can do it again sometime. And by the way…I'm not _human_!'"

She made a face at me. "You wouldn't have to say it like that!"

"I suppose you have a better way to tell someone you're an alien?"

"You're not an alien, Jason."

"Oh, I'm not?" That was news to me.

"Well, I mean…" She was flustered trying to make sense of it all. "Your mother's human, right?"

"But that's doesn't make _me _human. At least, not human _enough_. I'm not human enough to pass as normal, but I'm not Kryptonian enough either. Now you see my dilemma. It's like you said in the car, Kate. There's human and there's Kryptonian. You can't be both!"

"Okay, so I was wrong. You are both."

"No, I'm not! I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out just what I'm supposed to do with this freakish existence I've been forced into. And I'm not getting much help with it!"

"All right!" She threw up her hands in defense. "I get it now. I see your point. You're confused over who you are. But Jason, every person who has ever lived has gone through some kind of a search for their own identity – to answer the age-old question – who am I and where do I fit in this world?"

I closed my eyes slowly, shaking my head. "You don't get it."

"What don't I get?"

"Forget it, Kate. You will never understand this."

"No, I won't, because you won't explain it to me!" she shouted.

Something snapped in my brain in that moment and the floodgates were opened. "You want an explanation?"

"Yes."

I took a step closer to the bed. "You want to know all the nitty-gritty about this mess I call a life?"

"Yes," she said without hesitation.

"You want all the details about my damaged childhood so you can ramble off some psycho-babble and try to fix it to make it better?"

She sneered at me. "Actually, I think you could use a little psycho-babble right about now."

I laughed. "Believe me, Kate, you don't have a band-aid big enough to fix this mess."

"Try me," she said in all seriousness.

If she wanted to play, then I was game. "You want me to lie down on the couch, Dr. Freud? Or can I just stand?"

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable."

I snorted. "I haven't been comfortable a day in my life."

I looked at Kate, sitting there listening attentively, waiting for me to go on, and I considered leaving, running out of the room and never looking back. But I remembered the promise I had made to myself that I wouldn't run away from her. If she wanted this, then she was going to get it. She asked for it.

"I spent the first years of my life in and out of hospitals, being poked and prodded and examined. Blood tests, X-rays, CAT scans, MRIs--you name it, I've had it done to me, all in the hopeless attempt to figure out what was wrong with me. I've taken every kind of medication under the sun for all sorts of diseases that I've never had just to see if anything would make me better. All those years I thought I was some sort of freak who would always be sick no matter what I did. There was never any explanation for why the medicine didn't work properly – or why they found such abnormalities in my blood. Oh, I get it _now_! They weren't testing for alien mutations, so how could they have known!"

"Well, why didn't your mother say something?"

I laughed. "Good question, and the answer is even better." I looked at her suddenly, entirely straight-faced. "Because she didn't know."

She frowned. "She didn't know…that you were…"

"Half Kryptonian?" I finished for her. "No. She didn't."

Kate's face screwed up in total confusion. "How could she not know? I mean…Wouldn't she…or didn't they…"

"Oh, they did," I nodded grimly. "But you see, the way it was explained to me was that it was all too much for her and she was on the verge of some kind of mental breakdown. I don't understand it really, but the long and short of it is that he took her memory of it away."

She blinked. "How?"

I shrugged.

"You're saying she…forgot?" When I answered with a nod, Kate repeated herself. "She forgot? How do you forget something like that?"

"I don't know, Kate, but the point is that he didn't want her to know. He didn't want her to remember. And regardless of what was right or what she wanted, he made a decision that ended up screwing up my whole life."

"But other than the hospitals and whatnot, you had a pretty decent childhood, right?"

"Oh, my mom and dad were great. They hovered over me, worried and scared that I might drop dead any moment from eating the wrong food or breathing contaminated air. They should have just put me in a bubble."

"So when did you…find out?"

I huffed. "Not for a long time, actually, which only made it worse. I always knew I was sick – that there was something wrong with me – but then I started doing all these crazy things. I had no idea how I was doing these things or when they would happen, but every now and then I would prove that I was an even bigger freak than I thought I was. My mother, she would witness some of these things, and she would give me that look, like the one you gave me earlier, to let me know I wasn't normal. But she never scolded me for them or tried to explain them. It was just something that happened and we ignored it and went on with our lives."

I smiled mockingly and started in with the heart of the story. "Now, every now and then, Superman would come around. And you have to understand that growing up in Metropolis as the son of the reporter who knew Superman best – wink, wink, nudge, nudge – I was totally and completely amazed by him. And I felt so very special that he would stop to pay that little bit of attention to me. As I got older, I started to think to myself, 'Hey! All these weird things I can do…Superman can do things like that, and nobody thinks _he's_ weird. So maybe someday, if I work hard enough, maybe someday I can grow up to be like him.'" I didn't even try to mask the bitterness in my voice.

"I was about ten years old when the superhearing kicked in," I snickered, "making it almost impossible for me to concentrate on anything. My grades at school were failing. Kids that I thought were my friends were treating me like crap. The only thing that seemed to drown out all the other noises was music. So I engulfed myself in the piano…only to be made fun of even more. I mean, what kind of kid, who can throw a ball farther than any other kid in the school, doesn't want to play sports and would rather sit behind a piano all day? I didn't have any friends, which meant that I spent all my evenings at home, and that was fine with me. It was quiet at home. The only people I had to worry about hearing were my mom and dad. Which is ironic.

"I guess they didn't think I could hear them. I mean, they knew I could hear them, but for some reason they didn't stop to think that I'd be listening and actually paying attention to the conversations they had about me in their bedroom while I was busy playing the piano. I was almost eleven when I heard my dad tell my mom that he thought it was time I knew the truth – that I wasn't really his son. They were fighting about it, and Mom was crying. Now, Mom hardly ever cries, so I knew he wasn't lying. But I still had to confront her about it. I asked her right then and there if it was true. She told me it was…and that she was sorry for not telling me sooner."

I was pacing the floor now, the anger and frustration I'd held inside for so many years boiling at the surface, ready to break out in all its fury. Kate stayed silent, letting me continue with my rant while she listened and watched with wide eyes.

"I was completely baffled, Kate. I didn't really believe her. I knew it had to be true, given all the things I could do, but I needed to hear it from _him_. I had spent time with him, not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, granted, but it was enough time to give him the opportunity to tell me the truth. We'd even spoken about my powers a few times, so it's not like he didn't have the chance to tell me. This is a man who is supposed to stand for truth and justice. Now, you tell me, what is so honest and fair about him keeping this a secret from me?

"So I went to him, and I asked him pointblank, 'Is it true?' And you know what he said to me? Nothing! He nodded. He didn't even say 'Yes.' He _nodded_ and said – and I quote – 'Now you know why things have to be the way they are.'"

I stopped and waited for her reaction, which echoed mine perfectly. "What does that mean?"

"I. Don't. Know!" I said slowly. "I didn't understand it then. I don't understand it now! What I _did _understand – what was made painfully clear to me at that moment, and for every moment thereafter - was that he wasn't able to own up to the truth. No matter what I did, I would never get that admission from him. No matter how much I learned or how hard I tried, I would never get him to say it.

"So for the next few years of my life, I ran around trying to be something I wasn't, in the hopes that one day I would be good enough for him. Every new skill I developed I practiced and fussed over until it made me sick. Sometimes I literally got sick, which only made it worse, because it proved that I would never be strong enough or fast enough or Kryptonian enough. And every time I saw him, I would tell him what I could or couldn't do, hoping he would see that I was trying. Yet all I would get was that look – that disappointed look that drove home the fact that I would never be worthy of him.

"Then I turned fifteen, and I pinned all of my last hopes on flying. He flew when he was fifteen. Well, not flew, but he…hovered. He had been jumping around in a cornfield, going from the tops of one silo to the next, when he fell through the roof of a barn…and he never hit the ground." I hushed my voice in reverence of the idea, punctuating the very act itself.

"I thought maybe I could do the same thing. I would jump and jump and jump and jump. Every morning for that whole year I would wake up and jump off my bed and expect not to hit the ground. But I always did. And it only made me more frustrated and desperate to prove that I could do it – that I wasn't worthless – and maybe he'd accept me then."

My voice was cracking now, the words spilling out of me in a torrent, saying things I'd never said to anyone, things I had hardly admitted to myself. Emotions I'd held in check for so long were finally breaking the surface and pouring over in an unstoppable fashion.

"But it never happened, and I thought maybe I just needed more space. So when my class took a field trip to some farm upstate, I broke away from the group and ran off where no one could see me. And I started jumping. I jumped and I jumped, higher and higher each time. I could jump to the roof of the buildings if I tried, but I always came back down in the end. And I'd jump again, harder, higher, and I'd pray to whatever God was listening to please let me stay in the air! Don't let me hit the ground!" I shouted to the ceiling.

I stopped and looked Kate directly in the eyes. "I _always_ came back down." I wet my lips and ran a hand through my hair. "I got in so much trouble with the school. Mom went ballistic. It wasn't until we got home and I told her what I had been doing that she eased up on me. She sent me to my room and waited for him to come by. When he showed up, she explained to him what I had done and he said…" I swallowed hard, trying to keep the emotion from showing itself too strongly. "He said, 'He'll never fly, Lois. He's too _human_.'"

Tears stung my eyes. It had been years since I had given him the satisfaction of my tears and I was bound and determined not to shed any now. I wet my lips and refocused on my anger. "That was all I was ever going to get. I knew it right then and there. I was too human. Too human to ever please him, but not human enough to ever pass as normal. So I gave up. I mean, what's the point? He didn't want me around. He never wanted me around. I was an embarrassment to him, and it hurt too much to know that. So I told him I didn't want to see him anymore."

"What?" Kate gasped, and for the first time I noticed that she, too, had tears in her eyes.

"I told him that I didn't want him around – that he didn't need to bother. I wasn't interested in his silly little lessons when there was no hope of me ever living up to his expectations. I was seventeen…and I told him…I didn't need him."

I paused, finding the words difficult to say after all these years. But Kate's eyes were full of concern and I knew she would only press me to go on if I stopped now.

"So he stayed away. And even though that's what I had said I wanted, it really pissed me off that much more that he _did_ stay away. If I even thought about telling my mother to stay out of my life, she would lay into me so hard I wouldn't know what hit me. But with him…I told him to stay away and he did, which was what he must have wanted in the first place. I was just releasing him from his obligations."

When I didn't speak for a good, long while, Kate very quietly said, "He thought he was doing what you wanted."

"Don't defend him."

"I'm not defending him," she said gently. "I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but you _did_ ask him to stay away." She thought for a moment. "I just can't believe it."

"Which part?" I grumbled.

"That he didn't…that he doesn't…" She looked up at me. "You said that he never accepted you or wanted you. I'm having trouble with that."

"Why?" I groaned.

"Because today…when he landed…when I saw his face - that was the face of a man genuinely worried about you." I rolled my eyes but she pressed on. "He honestly looked frightened for a moment. And then the way he was…just the way he _was_ around you."

"You saw us together all of two seconds, Kate," I pointed out.

"Still, he didn't act like someone who didn't care about you. He wanted to help you!"

"He didn't want me to die. He wouldn't want that on his conscience."

"But what I saw today was not a man acting out of obligation. It was one acting out of real concern," she said earnestly.

"He's concerned about everyone. That's what he does."

"Not like this. There was nothing superficial or habitual about it."

"Witnessing one conversation between us doesn't make you an expert, Kate! In fact, since you were there, we were actually on our best behavior. I was doing my damnedest not to let you know anything was out of the ordinary."

She laughed. "The whole situation was out of the ordinary!"

"I mean when it comes to him! I was trying not to fight with him in front of you. You don't know how hard I was biting my tongue."

Her face contorted as she thought for a moment. "What did he say today that was so wrong?"

"'I know Jason through his mother?' Come on, Kate, that's exactly the type of crap I'm talking about!"

"Well, it's not exactly a lie."

My mouth hung open in shock. "I can't believe you, of all people, are defending him - again!"

"I'm only trying to see both sides here," she said angrily.

"And I'm telling you, what you saw wasn't the real deal!"

"Then what is the real deal?"

"He swoops down, makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit because I can't do everything he expects me to do, and I tell him off in the most hurtful way I can until he flies away. Repeat that about a hundred times over and you've pretty much got it down. And you want to know what _really_ bugs me about it all?"

"There's more?"

"It's not my fault!" I snapped. "I didn't ask for this body! I didn't ask to be half-human, half-alien. I didn't ask for DNA so messed up that my body doesn't even know how to work right. I have no control over what I can and can't do with the whole superpowers business. And yet he acts as if I do! He makes me feel so guilty that I have this useless body. As if I'm the one that created it! Because of that, I spent a good, long portion of my life blaming myself for the distance between us. It took me years to realize that it's not my fault!"

"But it _is _your fault," she quipped, enflaming my rage that much more.

"How? I had nothing to do with my own conception!"

"No, it obviously isn't your fault that you were born the way you were. However, you do have control over your actions, and from what I've seen and heard, you are just as much to blame as he is."

I gasped, my mouth going slack in utter shock. "I wasn't the one that turned my back on him!"

"Well, can you blame him? The way you've been talking to me all evening…is that how you talk to him? Little snippy comments whose only purpose is to make him see red?"

"He hurts me by the things he won't say. I think it's only fitting that I repay him by saying the things I want to say."

"And yet, you expect him to come around; you said you were angry that he actually stayed away from you. 'Cause I'll tell you what, Jason, if you talked to me the way I think you talk to him, I wouldn't want to be around you, either." She shook her head.

I was incensed now. "I talk to him that way because it's the only thing that gets through to him!"

"If you want to win him over, you can't treat him like crap."

"I don't want to win him over!" I shouted.

"You want to yell and shout and say the worst possible things to him, and then have him be all buddy-buddy with you."

"I don't want him to be all buddy-buddy!" I raged.

"You expect him to take your beatings and still be your friend at the end of the day."

"I don't want a friend!"

"Then what is it you want?" she snapped.

"I want my _father_!" I bellowed.

And then I froze. My gaze held hers as the words that had just poured out of my mouth started to sink in. I never called him that. I never allowed myself to even really think of him that way. The fact that I'd just shouted it left me feeling slightly dazed.

My mind was reeling. I had a father – a good father – named Richard White. He'd loved me and cared for me just as a father should. To want more would only be selfish, wouldn't it? I had a mom and a dad, and they took care of me. To demand that kind of attention from a third party was ridiculous. But I couldn't help myself from wanting it. I wanted it desperately. And now I had admitted it plain as day.

I turned away from her, feeling the tears beginning to form again. I had fought them off once, I could do it again. I just lost one battle with myself, and I wasn't about to lose a second. I tried to walk out of the room, but my feet wouldn't move an inch. I stood rooted to the spot as a wave of emotion passed through my body like an electric current. My chin began to quiver, and I felt the first tear fall down my cheek.

"Jason?" Kate called gently.

"What's wrong with me, Kate?" I asked at long last. "What's wrong with me that he couldn't just be my father?" I stumbled over the last word. "I've waited my whole life for him to just say, 'Jason…you are my son.' That's all I've ever really wanted." The second and third tear fell, and I gave up counting because I knew there would be more.

I slowly turned around to face Kate again. "I don't want his powers," I explained. "I don't want his responsibilities. I don't want his name or his legacy or any of that. I just want him to…accept me...human faults and all."

I paused for a moment, and I thought that I had possibly gotten through the worst of it and could now move on. But that wasn't the case. The more I considered my history with him, the more it hurt. Every time he spoke to me as a father should, and yet missed the mark by referring to our association with each other as a "connection" or a "relationship," it stung. My heart burned in my chest as I felt the full weight of that reality consume me.

I broke. And I fell hard.

But for the first time in my life, it wasn't him that caught me. It was Kate.


	8. Chapter 7

_AN: Thank you - THANK YOU – so very much for the response to the last chapter. I was SO pleased to hear from so many of you about how the chapter affected you emotionally. I've had that breakthrough in my head for a good long time now. I'm so glad that so many of you can identify with Jason's frustration and feel that his argument is very believable. That's what I've intended from the start even though I do feel such a situation won't happen in reality. _

_I've had a few questions about Kate and Jason that I'd like to clear up. First of all, Kat's anger towards Superman will be better explained in this chapter. If you've been wondering about that, then your answer is just below. The other questions center on what Jason can and can't do – specifically in regards to why he can't fly. For me, personally, the flying would be the best part of being Superman, so as the author, I decided to take away the one thing that would be the most cool to be able to do. I justify it because the gravity on Krypton was so much stronger, and that is why Superman can defy Earth's gravity. Jason, having a more human molecular structure, would respond differently to our gravity and, in my opinion, wouldn't be able to fly. I also feel that the flying has nothing to do with the power of the sun. No amount of sunlight could change the way gravity works on the body, right? So even if he baked all day in the brightest sun, Jason still wouldn't be able to fly. I hope this chapter clears up what else he can and can't do. I had fun when I first determined just how much he was able to do and where he had difficulties. And before anyone asks, yes I am a Smallville fan and yes, I got a lot of my inspiration for Jason in this chapter from the way Clark reacts when a new power develops. _

_I hope you all enjoy this chapter, even though it isn't as full of angst as the last few. And I PROMISE – Superman will be making an appearance in the next chapter. So please come back for more!_

_Thanks to the betas yet again for all their wonderful comments. Htbthomas and Hellish Red Devil totally ROX! _

**Chapter Seven**

My mind became aware that I was lying down on a bed before my body did. It was dark – night – for I couldn't feel the heat of the sun. The last thing I remembered was clinging to Kate and crying like a baby into her shoulder. What happened after that, I had no idea. My eyelids felt heavy from the tears, and I fought to keep them open and look at my surroundings, not quite believing what I was seeing. I was still in Kate's apartment…in her bedroom…on her bed. Had I fallen asleep? And she let me stay? She was so angry at me. Why did she let me stay?

I shifted slightly, looking to my left, unexpectedly meeting her eyes. She was lying next to me on her side, not touching me the way she normally does when we slept together, but her face had a small smile on it. I didn't sense any anger or hostility coming from her, which _really_ made me wonder what had happened.

"Hi," she said softly.

"Hi," I said, yawning and stretching, working out the kinks in my body. "What happened?"

"You fell asleep."

"Sorry," I said, closing my eyes again.

"Don't be. After the day you had yesterday, I think you earned it."

"I wasn't the one who broke my foot."

"And I wasn't the one who had an emotional breakthrough."

"You mean break_down_." I opened my eyes and looked over at her. "Thanks."

She smiled more fully. "No thanks necessary. That's what I'm here for."

"I didn't mean to dump all of that on you."

Her shoulders shrugged slightly. "I always knew there was something bothering you under the surface, but I couldn't figure it out. Now that I know, it will make living with you that much easier."

Had I just heard her correctly? "Living with me?"

Her brows shot up. "You _did_ ask me to marry you yesterday. Or did you forget?"

"No, I remember, but…Kate…you don't have to…" My voice dropped to a nearly inaudible volume. "I'm not going to hold you to anything."

She scowled. "Are you taking back the proposal?"

My brain wasn't fully awake to process what she was saying. I had to make sure I understood what she was saying. "You still…want to marry me?"

Her scowl softened into half a smile. "Yes. You sound surprised."

"That's because I am. I mean…I lied to you."

She nodded and rolled over onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows to look down at me. "Yes, you did, and it hurts me to think that you didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth before, but I've had a good long time to think about it. I've actually been awake most of the night thinking about it, and I have to admit that were I in your position, I don't think I would have told anyone who I was, either."

I kept my eyes focused solely on her face for any sign that this was a joke. "You wouldn't have even told…the person…you loved?"

She sighed, "I think I would have at least _considered_ telling the person I loved, especially if I wanted to marry that person."

"I did consider it," I admitted. "And in all fairness to _him_, he told me I should tell you. He warned me that I would be making a huge mistake if I didn't tell you."

Her eyes squinted at me. "So you did tell him about me."

I looked away. "Yes, but…" I wet my lips, my voice dropping low. "I didn't _want _to tell him about you."

She looked hurt. "Why not?"

"Because…I was afraid he would tell me…I couldn't…"

"Couldn't marry me?"

"Yes."

"Why would he say that?"

I swallowed. Things were about to go from weird to downright bizarre. "Because _he_ wasn't allowed to." Kate didn't say anything. She just looked at me, waiting for the rest of the explanation. "Why do you think he isn't with my mother?"

"Maybe because she's married to someone else?"

"Yeah, but she wasn't when they first met. She wasn't married when I…when they…" I couldn't vocalize it, for some reason. "She didn't marry my dad until I was almost seven years old. I was in the wedding even. I think the reason she waited so long to marry my dad was because she kept waiting for _him_ to come back. He wasn't around for a long time, when I was really small. And when he did come back, he told her that even though he would always love her, he couldn't be with her that way."

"Why not?"

I exhaled slowly. "Because he would be 'interfering with human history.'" My mouth formed the words I had heard so often in my youth. "Although he was raised by humans, he isn't one of…" I faltered. "He isn't human. It's forbidden for him to form any 'significant attachments'. 'To invest time and emotion in one human being at expense of the rest.'" I could remember those words as if I had heard them yesterday. They were engrained in my head. "To…play favorites, for lack of a better term."

"But Jason," she countered, placing an arm over my stomach. "He did interfere. I mean…_you're_ here."

"My point exactly."

"Why would he stay away, then?"

I shrugged. "That's always been my question. And that's why I had to talk to him. I had to make sure that those rules and instructions didn't have anything to do with me. That I wasn't bound to them and could do what I wanted."

"And what did he say?"

"Considering that no one ever thought he would have children, there isn't anything is really go on."

"Why wouldn't he have children?" She thought for a moment. "Oh right, they just expected him to follow instructions blindly. He was told not to make any attachments and they just assumed he would obey."

"Well, that and…"

"And?"

I really didn't like dwelling on this part, but if I was going to tell her everything then I needed to tell her _everything_. "Theoretically, a human and a Kryptonian can't have a child together." She gaped at me. "At least, that's what Jor-El said."

"Jor-El?"

"His father. My… grandfather."

Her face was scrunched into confusion. "Would you mind telling me how you spoke to your dead, Kryptonian grandfather?"

I sighed. "He was a hologram."

"Oh," she said quickly. "And he said that you…"

"That I was an impossibility," I finished for her.

Several emotions flashed across her face; sadness, anger, disbelief. It was a reminder of everything I had felt when I first heard those words.

"He was wrong," she stated simply.

"Obviously."

"So why should you care about anything he has to say? If he was wrong about this – and this is a pretty big thing to be wrong about – why wouldn't he be wrong about other things, too?"

Why was it that Kate understood this so easily and yet Superman never had been able to? "I have wondered the same thing, Kate."

"Then anything this Jor-El person says can't apply to you."

I shrugged, "Well, _he_ says that those words _do_ apply to me. Even if they didn't expect me to be born, the fact is that I am here, and even though I'd rather not admit it, I am partly Kryptonian. But I can't live my life the way he does. I refuse to separate myself from the people I love the way he has. I can't do what he does physically. I mean, I'll never be Superman. So, why should I be expected to live life the way he does?"

"Are you asking me?" she said, tilting her head to the side. "Do you really want me to try to answer that?"

"I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer. Besides," I looked away from her, "I'm not sure it really matters anymore."

"Meaning…?"

"Kate," I said softly. "I will understand completely if you want to call things off."

She pushed herself up on the bed, twisting around to try to sit up. "Will you please stop saying that? I love you, and just because I got angry at you doesn't mean that I'm going to give up everything we have together."

I sat up to meet her eyes. "But I lied."

"Yes, and you've admitted that was wrong. Just don't do it again."

"Kate," I frowned, "I am related to Superman!"

"I got that," she said flippantly.

"If you marry me, you're going to have to deal with him hanging around for the rest of your life. Now, I know your own history with him. You hate him almost as much as I do."

She gasped at me. "Jason, you don't hate him."

"Don't I?" I challenged.

"Jason." Her tone had dropped in volume and intensity. "You _can'_t hate him."

"Why not? You hate him, too."

She gaped at me. "When did I say that?"

"When you told me about your family and the fire."

She tracked back in her memory. "I never said I hated him, though."

"It's because of him that your mother is dead."

"No," she said calmly. "He didn't start that fire."

"He didn't stop it, either."

"True, but that doesn't make it entirely his fault. I'll grant you that I don't worship him the way the rest of the world does. I don't see him as some all-powerful being that never makes mistakes. He does make mistakes. Everything that I've learned today only proves that fact even more. I think he over steps his boundaries, and I think he's a little more than conceited, but I think that about a few other people, too. He isn't my favorite person, Jason, but I don't hate him."

I groaned, not believing what I was hearing, and flopped back down on the bed.

"In fact, given everything that's happened in the last twenty-four hours, he's actually gone up in my estimation."

I couldn't stand how hypocritical she was starting to sound. "All of a sudden, you're singing a different tune just because he saved your life?"

"No, Jason, because he saved _yours_."

That caught me by surprise and I raised my head to look at her.

She scooted closer to me and began playing with the buttons on my shirt. "And when you get right down to it, as annoying as I think he is sometimes, if it wasn't for him…then you wouldn't be here."

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. "I thought I had you on my side."

"I am on your side," she said, lying back down next to me. "I want you to be happy, Jason. This thing with your father, it's eating you up inside."

In spite of everything that had happened, I still didn't like hearing him referred to in that way. And yet, as much as I hated to admit it, she was right. I couldn't admit that right now, though. Not out loud at least. One major breakthrough was enough for a day.

I closed my eyes and focused on her and the way she felt against me. She was hugging me, running her fingers along my chest, kissing my shoulder and neck. I gently traced the curve of her hip with my fingertips before pulling her closer to me. "When I woke up," I said with my lips against her hair, "I was ready for you to kick me out."

"And give up my own personal bed warmer? Never." She kissed me, making me realize once and for all that I wasn't dreaming and that she really did accept me. That she loved me, faults and all.

She pulled away, resting her hands on my stomach and looking down at me with a twinkle in her eyes. "I guess I can stop worrying about the fact that you are always running a temperature."

I smirked at her. "I _do_ always run a temperature."

"You're even warmer today than usual."

"It's the radiation. I haven't been that close to the sun for a long time." It was amazing how easily I could admit something like that to her after all the years of keeping secrets.

"How long has it been?"

"Since I flew with him?" I asked, and received a nod. "About five years."

She kissed the center of my chest and said, "Can I ask you something without you rolling your eyes and making me feel badly for asking it?"

I brushed her hair away from her face to better see her. "Okay," I said hesitantly.

She bit her bottom lip. "How strong are you?"

"Um…well…to be honest, it's been a long time since I've tested myself. I generally use my strength to open pickle jars for my mom or doors that are jammed."

"So, holding up the wall of a cave isn't on your daily to-do list, then?" she teased.

"No, I've never done anything like that before. Well…except…" I wasn't sure if I should tell her or not.

"What? What did you do?" When I didn't say anything, she pressed harder. "Come on. You promised you'd tell me anything I wanted to know."

I sighed. "I threw a piano once."

She blinked. "You threw…a piano?"

"Yup. Gorgeous instrument. Real shame."

"Did you not want to practice or something?"

"No," I chuckled. "It was actually the first thing I ever did – superpower-wise, that is. I was five and this guy was about to hurt my mom. He had hit her already and she was crawling on the floor, trying to get away from him, and…I don't know. I couldn't think of anything to do. I was panicking, having an asthma attack, and I knew that if I didn't do something that this man was going to kill my mother. So…I threw the closest thing I had…which happened to be the piano."

She thought for a moment. "Did you kill him?"

I pursed my lips and answered quietly. "Yes."

I expected her to shy away from me, but she didn't. "And that was the first sign of your powers?"

"Yup. No better way to announce to the world that you're not exactly human than throwing a piano."

She tilted her head, her fingers tracing little circles over my chest. "And you have X-ray vision?"

"Yes," I said, trying to sound as casual as I could about it. "But I don't use it very often. It gives me a headache after too long, not to mention that it's nearly impossible to maneuver anywhere when I use it. I have to be still or I risk running right into someone…or something."

"You mean, you can't see what's right in front of you?"

"Isn't that the point of X-ray vision? I see through things. It's like they disappear. It's really confusing and was a total pain in the ass to learn how to control." She didn't have a response. How could she? She'd never seen through things before. "I don't know which was more annoying, the X-ray vision or the enhanced hearing," I added.

"You mentioned the hearing. Last night."

I nodded and played with a few strands of her long, blonde hair.

"Do you hear as well as he does?"

"No, and thank God for that. He can hear…" I considered how to describe it. "He could be way up above the earth, nearly to the moon, and he wouldn't have any trouble picking out individual voices in the city."

"Really? And you can't do that?"

"Well, I wouldn't be up in outer space. I don't fly, remember?"

She buried her face in my shoulder. "Sorry. I didn't mean…"

"It's okay," I said, stroking her hair. "I can hear a few miles away if I concentrate. Mostly I hear the things going on around me. Things in neighboring houses and stuff like that."

A wicked grin crossed her face. "What are the neighbors doing right now?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or frown at her, but I turned away from her slightly to better focus on the sounds swirling around in the air. A snore…an alarm…a television…and the unmistakable sound of sex. "Above us…she's sleeping. And she snores really loudly. Below us…I don't think they are home. There's an alarm buzzing that needs to be shut off. To the right…they are watching _A Nightmare on Elm Street_."

"You're kidding?" Kate said.

"One, two, Freddie's coming for you. Three, four, better lock your door," I chanted. "That's definitely _A Nightmare on Elm Street_."

"Okay," Kate said with an eye roll. "And across the hall?"

I blushed, not really wanting to tell her this one.

"What are they doing?" she prodded with a wicked grin.

"Well…they're…um…" I felt the blush on my face brighten.

"Are they having sex?" she asked incredulously.

I waggled my eyebrows at her, and she burst out in a fit of giggles. "Oh God, Jason, how do you stand it? You can hear all of that? How do you ignore it?"

"I told you it was annoying, but what choice do I have? I can't cut my ears off. Besides, I can hear nice things, too."

"Like what?"

"Like your breathing. And your heartbeat. I try to focus on those things rather than all the other stuff."

Her body relaxed into mine. "You can hear my heart beating?"

"It's one of my favorite sounds."

She sighed. "Do you have any idea how unbelievably romantic that is?"

"Is it?"

She nodded and leaned up a bit to kiss me. I kissed her right back. I wanted her to continue kissing me, but she was still too curious for anything more than a question-and-answer session right now.

"So," she drawled after another proper kiss. "Can you shoot fire from your eyes?"

I wavered. "Yes and no. I've done it, but I don't know how I did it. I know I have to be really angry, and I know what it feels like just before it happens, but I don't know how to make it happen. It's only happened three times, though. The first time I did it, I caused about three thousand dollars worth of damage to the kitchen. The other two times, I felt it coming on and I closed my eyes to stop it."

"Can you be…hurt?" Her hesitancy touched me.

"I can. That's probably the biggest difference between me and him, other than the flying. I can bleed. I've been poked with so many needles that it would have been pretty obvious if my skin were so strong that nothing could penetrate it, right? So, I can be wounded, but it doesn't hurt as much as it does for normal people."

"Then I was right. You are impervious to pain."

"Not entirely. If I cut my hand open with a knife, I would certainly feel it and my brain would register it as painful. But I wouldn't scream and cry. I could tolerate it. I'm guessing that a cut like that would feel like a paper cut does to you. It hurts, but it's manageable."

"Do bullets hurt you, then?"

"I suppose so, but I don't know how badly it would hurt. I've never been shot at, so I don't know." I cocked an eyebrow at her. "Why? Are you thinking of shooting me?"

"No," she said, smacking my shoulder lightly. "I'm just trying to put it all together. What you feel and don't feel." There was a question in her eyes as she stared at me.

"I feel most things the same way you do," I said softly, running my fingertips down her arms and back up her sides. "In fact, my sense of touch is pretty damn good."

She blushed to the tips of her ears. "So…you do feel…_that_."

I tossed my head back, laughing. "Of course! You think I've been faking?"

"I don't know. This is all new to me. I'm just trying to take it all in," she said in a rush.

"Well, trust me," I said, gazing into her eyes deeply, "I feel every touch."

She rested her head back down on my shoulder. For a moment, I thought that maybe she was done with the quizzing and that I could demonstrate how very much I loved her, but she had one last line of questions for me.

"What about kryptonite?"

"What about it?"

"Can it kill you?"

"No."

"But I thought that exposure to it was fatal."

"For Kryptonians," I explained. "Kryptonite is the one instance where my humanity actually comes in handy."

"Then it won't kill you?"

"No, but it can make me really sick."

There was a sadness in her eyes that touched my heart. "Does that mean you've been exposed to it?"

"Couple of times. Remember that big land mass island thing that Lex Luthor created?" She nodded. "When Superman removed it and sent it into space, pieces of it fell off and went back into the water. Some of those pieces even washed ashore. In fact, Professor Colburn in the science department used to have a big ole chunk of it in his cabinet."

Her eyes went wide in astonishment. "Are you sure?"

"I knew it the moment I walked into his classroom. I went weak in the knees. I couldn't hear or see properly. Only one thing makes me feel that way."

"What did you do?"

"I had to switch classes. I walked around all day after his class feeling sluggish and tired, and as luck would have it, it rained all through that day, so even if I had wanted to use the sunlight to help me out, I couldn't. And that's when I got my idea."

"Your idea?"

The words had come out of my mouth so fast that I hadn't even registered what I had said. It had only been one week of my life, but it was the worst week I'd ever spent and I paid dearly for it. I couldn't believe that I had actually brought it up to her. I'd been speaking so freely tonight, not holding much back with the intention of being as truthful as I could, that my mouth was working faster than my brain. The moment it was out in the open I wish I hadn't said anything. Kate would be livid if I told her what I had done, of that I was sure.

"Just forget it," I tried to brush it off.

"No, no, what idea?"

I pursed my lips, worried what she would think of me. "I don't know if I should tell you."

"Why? Did you do something bad?"

"I didn't think it would be bad. I mean, I thought it could actually help me. In reality though, it ending up being about the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I know that for a fact."

"What did you do?" Her eyes were worried and concerned.

"I…stole it."

"Stole what?"

"The Kryptonite."

Her brows knit together in confusion. "Why?"

"To have it. To…expose myself to it."

This time, her eyes looked angry. "Why?"

"Because it made me feel normal. At least, I thought what I was feeling was normal. I didn't have any of my powers. I couldn't do anything out of the ordinary. I thought if I kept it close by that it would help me be more human – help me blend in more."

"Are you crazy?" she screeched.

"I wanted to be normal, Kate," I said in defense. "I've only ever wanted to be normal."

"And you think feeling weak and tired and sick is normal?"

"I was guessing that if you took away the strength and the enhanced senses, that that's what it felt like to be human. I've never been one hundred percent human, so it wasn't like I had a reference to go by. It was just a guess and a stupid one at that."

"What happened then?"

I huffed. "I damn near lost my scholarship. I was sick, and I mean really sick. I missed classes because my asthma got so bad. I couldn't see right because things looked blurry most of the time. I couldn't do my class work. And when I sat down to try to play the piano, I played like I was in a first grade recital. It was awful. The notes didn't sound right and my fingers wouldn't work the way they should. I even got yelled at by my teacher, who said I wasn't to come back to see him until I got my act together."

"Good for him!" Kate interjected.

"And if that wasn't enough," I continued, "my roommate at the time called my mother. He told her all of my symptoms and she knew right away what was going on. She sent him over to check on me, thinking that there was kryptonite on the campus somewhere and I wasn't aware of it. Like I was walking around not knowing what was going on with me!" I laughed. "So when he got there, he obviously knew I had it in my room. He was livid. I don't think I've ever seen him as angry as he was that day."

"Hang on a sec. Superman came to your dorm room?"

Oops.

"And that didn't seem…_odd_ to anyone?"

Double oops. "Um…well…you know, Kate, he has other clothes. I mean, he doesn't go grocery shopping in tights and a cape."

She stared at me for a moment before pinching the bridge of her nose with her fingers. "Okay, so you've got kryptonite under your bed and Superman is in your dorm room in jeans and a t-shirt?"

"Actually, I keep it in the closet and he usually wears a three-piece business suit."

She looked at me with a sudden intensity. "What do you mean you_ keep_ it? You don't still have it, do you?"

BIG, BIG oops.

"Jason White! You had better tell me right now that you don't still do this to yourself!"

"No! Are you kidding? I like my music too much. I can't play worth a damn when I'm exposed to that crap."

"Then why do you have it?"

"Did you think I would put it back? That I would give it to someone once I knew what it was? That stuff is poison, Kate. It can kill him! I may not like him very much, but I don't want him dead. At least, not like that."

"All right, I've heard enough," she scooted up in the bed so that she could sit upright. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to you say things like that."

"I said I didn't want him dead."

"You said you wouldn't want him dead _like that_, which implies that you do want him dead in some form. Now, I understand that he hurt you and that you are still hurting. I realize that you are confused and that there are deep, emotional issues here that you don't want to work out. But you _do_ have to work them out, Jason. He is your father, regardless of how poor a job he's done. He is your father and you don't want him dead."

I couldn't find any words to argue with her. I could only listen and contemplate all that she was saying. She spoke so honestly that it hurt to hear her calling _him_ my father.

"I love you, Jason," she went on. "I love you enough to not let this go on any longer. I know what it is to harbor resentment for a parent. I know personally how those feelings can do damage to a family. It took me years to work though things with my dad after he remarried. I told you that. It wasn't easy, and things still aren't perfect, but at least we tried. And I'm grateful for it. I love my father, and it breaks my heart to hear you say that you hate yours. You _have _to work through this. I refuse to just let you continue beating yourself up over something you have no control over, while you ignore the things you _do_ have control over. He's your father, and you can't change that fact. What you can change is the division between you."

"How?" I asked as if I was issuing a challenge.

"By talking to him."

I rolled my eyes.

"He's your father, Jason."

She wasn't helping.

"He's your _father_. And I know from experience that that gives him the right to a second chance."

The silence that hung in the air then was thick and heavy.

"Talk to him," she repeated. "I can't marry someone with this much anger inside them."

It was then that I realized she was giving me an ultimatum. My choices were to not talk to him and spend my life angry without Kate by my side, or to talk to him, argue and say hurtful things, and keep Kate in my life.

I choose the lesser of the two evils.


	9. Chapter 8

_AN: This opening segment wasn't in my original plan, but I had a few comments about possible flash backs and considered how well this seemed to fit with the story. It also gave me a chance to show the main thing I love about this fandom – the difference between Clark and Superman. The last reason I thought it was important was for the joy of it. As one of my beta readers said, it's been a while since I've written anything really joyful, so this was a nice chance._

_Speaking of beta readers, thanks go to Hellish Red Devil for reading over this monster not once, but twice, since I went back and changed a few things. Htbthomas sent me her corrections this morning, so this is slightly altered from it's original posting. _

_A word of warning, this is another mammoth chapter. I don't like to post such long chapters, but in this case, it had to be done. I've worked on the next chapter, and it looks to be the longest one yet, so I actually took a portion of Chapter Nine and spliced it into Chapter Eight to help balance out the size of each section.  
_

_And lastly, thanks to all of you who have been reading and reviewing. Thanks even if you haven't felt inspired to review. I honestly didn't think anyone would really like such an unhappy Superman story, but I've been overwhelmed with the wonderful feed back. I hope this chapter, as well as the next, makes the angst filled journey worth the wait. _

**Chapter Eight**

_I sat at the edge of the bay, my feet dangling over the dock so that my toes could just barely touch the water. It was midday, and normally Mom would be hovering over me to make sure I didn't fall in or touch some plant that might make me sick. But today was different. It was my birthday and she said she had a surprise for me, but that I had to go and sit outside until it was ready. I guessed that she was working on some kind of a cake that wouldn't have wheat or sugar. You know, the really gross kind that kids at school made fun of me for having to eat. I would eat it, and I would fake a smile like I usually did, but I wouldn't ask for seconds. _

_Some birthday. _

_I had asked for a trip to the zoo with my parents. I didn't see them very much since they worked all the time. I thought I was being pretty nice about it, really. Most kids asked for big parties that cost lots of money. Me – I just wanted a day with my family. Even if I did get to go to the zoo, it would only be mom and me. Dad was over in England for the week working on some story, so there would be no chance of seeing both of my parents today anyway. _

_I sighed and flicked the water with my toe, watching the little droplets send ripples out from the dock and away from me. I was bored, and that wasn't right. None of the kids at school had boring birthdays. Maybe mom would let me invite someone over and we could play games or watch a movie or something. That is, if I could find someone who didn't mind eating sugar-free candy and veggies as a birthday snack. _

_A gust of wind suddenly whipped around me. I brushed my bangs out of my eyes and gave the water another flick with my toe._

"_Hello, Jason," a deep voice said from behind me._

_I spun around, instantly recognizing the voice, to see if I was imagining things. I never quite believed it when he would come to visit. I always had to pinch myself to make sure I was awake and that he was really here. No one I knew ever saw him unless they were in trouble…or someone around them was in trouble. I seemed to be one of the only people who ever talked to him just because. And for some reason unknown to me, I was never supposed to tell anyone about it. Still, it always surprised me when he showed up. And today I was more surprised than ever._

"_Superman!" I grinned, jumping up to meet him._

"_How are you?" he said, taking a step closer to me._

"_I'm good. It's my birthday today." I don't know why I told him that. As if Superman didn't have anything better to do than help me out of my boring birthday._

"_I know. Your mom told me."_

"_She did?" I was stunned. _

"_Yes. That's why I'm here today."_

"_You came…for my birthday?" It didn't seem quite real._

"_I would love to help you celebrate it."_

"_You would?" I gaped at him like an idiot, looking up into his face with the bright sunlight streaming behind him. Wow. He was so tall. "Well, I think mom's making a cake."_

_He chuckled. "That's not what I meant."_

"_What did you mean then?"_

_He knelt down so that we were almost eye-to-eye. "Well, I wondered if you might like to…go somewhere."_

"_Go where?"_

"_Anywhere you want to go."_

_I laughed, a huge smile coving my face. "Anywhere?"_

"_Anywhere."_

_I bit my bottom lip. "Would we fly?"_

"_Yes, but if that's too scary for you-"_

"_No! That would be great!" I said quickly, before he could start in being overprotective like my parents. And then I realized something. "I'd have to ask mom though." I highly doubted that she would let me go._

"_Then you'd better ask me," my mother said, making me jump. I hadn't noticed that she'd even come outside._

"_Mom!" I gasped, running to her side. "Superman said that he would take me anywhere I wanted to go today because it's my birthday."_

_She looked over my head to where he was kneeling, a smile on her face. "He did, huh?"_

_Superman smiled back at her in that odd way that he did whenever my mom was around._

"_Yeah, so can I go? Please?" I would resort to begging if I had to._

"_I don't know, Jason. Superman flies really high and really fast."_

"_Mom," I groaned. "He's _Superman_. He's not going to drop me. And even if he did drop me, he would catch me." I glanced over at him. "Right?"_

_Superman stood and walked over to my mom. "I would never hurt him, Lois."_

_They stared at each other. "I know," Mom sighed. "I just…"_

"_No one will see us." I didn't know why he felt like saying that to mom, but it seemed to calm her down a bit._

"_Okay, okay, but I had better not hear any stories about freefalling," she warned._

_Superman chuckled. "He'll be fine."_

_I suddenly realized that mom had agreed. My heart felt like it would explode in my chest. "You mean I can go? Really?"_

"_Yes," Mom said, smiling, then returning to overprotective mode. "But do everything he says. Don't wiggle too much. And if you start to feel cold or sick or-"_

"_Mom," I whined. "Please. Not in front of Superman."_

"_No, your mom's right," he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. "I know you're used to flying with your-" He stopped and looked up at mom. "Flying in a plane," he said, changing his words before looking back down at me. "But Jason, flying with me is very different. You could easily get motion sickness, and it could get cold, depending on how high we fly."_

"_Not too high," my mom warned. _

"_All right, I get it," I grumbled. "If I feel weird about anything, I'll say something. Now can we go?" I looked up at my mother, waiting expectantly. I noticed that Superman was waiting, too._

_She tried to look mean, but her mouth soon smiled and she shook her head in defeat. "As if I could say no to two sets of blue eyes," she mumbled._

"_Thanks, Mom!" I squealed, hugging her._

"_Thank you, Lois," he said softly. _

_I looked up at my mom and Superman and watched as they exchanged odd smiles. Odd – really odd. And then he looked down at me. _

"_Are you ready?"_

"_Yes!" I cheered. _

"_Okay. May I pick you up?" His hands were reaching out to me._

_I nodded, a tight knot suddenly filling up my stomach._

_His hands lifted me up off the ground and he held me against his side, the way my dad always carried me when we were in a hurry and I was walking too slowly. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding on tight, waiting for that moment when we would leave the ground. He gently patted my back with his free hand. _

"_Good?" he asked, smiling at me._

_I nodded, feeling very excited._

_And then we were in the air. I squealed and tightened my grip around his neck. He watched my face as I yelled out in excitement, whooping and cheering as higher and higher we flew. The land grew further and further away from our feet, until soon we were high above the clouds. The brightness of the sunlight made me squint at first, but then I noticed how beautiful everything looked. _

"_Wow!" I said slowly, glancing around at the clear, blue sky. "We're higher than the clouds! Do you come up here every day?"_

_Superman chuckled. "Yes. I like it up here."_

"_Me too! It's so bright!"_

_His eyes left me to look at the sun. "Does the sunlight hurt your eyes?"_

_I looked over at the sun as well, expecting to have to squint, but finding that my eyes were fine. In fact, I felt as if I couldn't look away from the sun. I didn't want to. "No," I answered truthfully._

"_Do you feel the warmth?" he asked quietly._

"_Yes," I nodded._

_Superman drew my attention away from the sun and looked directly into my eyes. "The sun is strength, Jason. It is power. You must rely on it like you would a friend. If ever you feel weak or tired or hurt, stand in the brightest spot of sunlight you can find until you start to feel better."_

"_Sunlight can make me feel better?"_

_He nodded slowly. "It might not make you feel perfect, but it will make you feel better."_

"_Really?"_

"_I promise."_

_Something about the way he looked at me made me believe him. His eyes were so strong that I couldn't look away. Superman would never lie to me. He was my friend. If he said the sun would help me, then it had to be true. _

"_Now," he said, releasing my gaze. "Where do you want to go?"_

_I thought for a moment and couldn't decide. "Too many places to pick from."_

_He half smiled. "Then let's go everywhere."_

"_Everywhere? You can do that?"_

_He laughed again. "I think I can arrange it."_

_We flew back down under the clouds so that I could again see the ground below us. We flew over Metropolis, Chicago, New York, Gotham…all the big cities. Past the Golden Gate Bridge, Mount Rushmore, Wayne Tower, the Empire State Building. Over the Great Lakes, the Grand Canyon, the Rocky Mountains. _

_We left the United States behind us as he took me past the Eiffel Tower, the London Bridge, the Pyramids of Egypt, the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China. So many places I had seen pictures of in books. Places I had only read stories about. He would whisper the names of the landmarks in my ear as we flew past them. My eyes were as wide as saucers as I took it all in. There was just so much to see, so many places to explore. I wondered if I would ever see any of these places again. _

_And then, while we were over one of the oceans, I felt his hands grip me differently. I gasped and clung to him. _

"_Don't be afraid. I won't drop you." _

_I believed him._

"_I just thought you might like to try something."_

_I didn't know what he might do, but I was more than willing to go for it. He grasped my waist, his large hands holding me with all the surety in the world, and lifted me away from his body. I was in front of him – or below him, really. The air whipped around me. My arms and legs were free, and I couldn't resist holding my arms out in front of me and pretending that I was flying all on my own. I yelled happily and stretched my body out as flat and as long as I could make it._

"_Do you like it?" he asked._

_Duh! "Faster!" was the only response I gave him._

_We swooped up and around the clouds, looping around and heading back down to the water in a nosedive. We came up just in the nick of time, soaring up, up, up all the time, going faster and faster. It was nothing short of amazing. And I never wanted it to end._

_But all too soon, I recognized the familiar skyline of Metropolis and we were floating back down to my front lawn. He shifted me back into his arms against his side, and I groaned in disappointment. _

"_What's the matter?" he asked._

"_I don't want to go back down."_

"_We've been gone a while. I don't want your mother to worry."_

"_I know. I just…I like it up here. With you."_

_He didn't smile, but his face softened into an expression I didn't quite understand. "I like being with you, too, Jason. I wish I could be with you more often."_

_That reminded me of something. "Do I have to keep this a secret?"_

"_Yes."_

"_I can't tell anyone what I did for my birthday? That's a real bummer, you know."_

_He looked sad. "Yes, I know. But it really is for the best."_

"_You said that about Mr. Clark, too. That it was better if I didn't tell anyone." _

"_No one can know who I am, Jason. It's too dangerous."_

"_Not even mom?"_

"_Not even your mother," he said softly, almost regretfully._

"_But _I_ know."_

"_Yes, and I trust you not to tell anyone."_

_I was confused. "Don't you trust my mom?"_

_He sighed. "I trust her implicitly, but it would only hurt her if she knew."_

_I disagreed. "I don't understand. You're her friend, both as Superman and as Mr. Clark. Wouldn't it be easier if she knew?"_

"_It seems that way, doesn't it." He said wistfully. "But Jason, you're going to have to trust me on this one. Please don't tell Lois just yet. Maybe someday, but not right now."_

_I thought about it for a moment. "Okay, I'll keep your secret, but only if you promise to take me flying again."_

_He chuckled. "Are you blackmailing me, Mr. White?"_

_I shrugged. "I dunno. Am I?"_

_He laughed full out this time. "How about we make it a birthday tradition?"_

"_Yeah?" I said in wonder as we neared the ground. "That would be great!"_

_He set me on my feet just as mom came darting out of the house. "Jason!" she called, wrapping her arms around me. "You've been gone forever! I was starting to wonder if you were ever coming back!"_

"_I would never take him away from you, Lois." _

_Mom looked up at Superman with another one of her odd expressions. "I wasn't – I didn't mean to sound as if I was accusing you of that. I was only worried that he might be getting hungry."_

_"I'm fine, mom," I assured her. "Superman says he'll come back and we can do it again on my next birthday!" I informed her excitedly._

_Mom frowned. "I don't know about that. We'll have to see."_

_I groaned. _

_Mom ignored me. "Now say thank you and let Superman get back to the city. He's been very nice to take time out for you today, Jason."_

_I noticed that Superman's smile fell. "It wasn't an inconvenience, Lois. I was happy to spend some time with him." He rested one hand on my shoulder. "I hope you have a good birthday, Jason. I'll see you again soon."_

_And then he was gone._

It was the happiest memory I had of him. And that saddened me. Even though he had promised to take me flying again on other birthdays, it never happened. I flew with him for short distances here and there, but never like I had on my seventh birthday. When I turned eight, mom and dad rented out one of those party places for me and my friends to spend the day at. He came to my window that night to see me, but I was so very tired and worn out from the other fun I had had that day that we didn't go flying. On my ninth birthday, an earthquake in Southern California had him busy all day. Again, he came to my window, this time to apologize, but it was too late for much of a flight. My grandmother visited the next year, so I didn't even see him out of fear that grandma would ask too many questions.

By my eleventh birthday, I knew who he really was. I knew who _I_ really was. Every birthday from then on seemed like a countdown to me – a countdown to a time when I could fly on my own. And then, when it had been made clear that would never happen, I didn't really want to go flying anymore.

I thought back over the way he had held me as a little boy and the things he had said about the sun. I compared it to what he said a few days ago as he held me out into the pure rays of light and forced me to accept the healing power the sun offered.

I thought about the odd glances I had witnessed over the years between him and my mother, and how I had lied—and still lied–for him . I thought about the lies I had told Kate, and the relief I felt now that I didn't have to hide from her anymore.

I thought about the way he smiled at me when I was little. The way he looked at me. The way I felt when he was near. I thought about how he respected Richard and never once said an unkind thing about the man I called my father.

That's when I noticed it. I ran back through my memories, searching. Had he ever called Richard my father? Had he ever referred to him by that title? I'd always been too focused on waiting for him to claim his position in my life to realize that he'd never really given Richard that position either. I couldn't think of one instance when I'd even heard him use the word father.

_Yes, you have, Jason. _My mind said to me. _The son becomes the father. And the father becomes the son._

I couldn't dwell on those ancient words. They weren't the words I wanted to hear. Not really. I wondered if I would ever hear them.

I let my eyes travel up the outside of the old apartment building that stood at 344 Clinton Street. If ever I were to hear what I so very much wanted to hear, it would have to come from him honestly and freely. I didn't want to barge in and say, "Will you just admit that you're my father so I can move on with my life already?" I wanted him to say it without any prompting from me.

Behind me, the sun was setting. The crisp, evening air was cool. Overhead, the unmistakable flash of red and blue told me that he had just come home from whatever tragedy he had been alleviating. The window on the right side of the third floor came on and the figure of a man cast a shadow on the curtains.

It was now or never.

I stood up and walked into the foyer of the building. Security asked for my name, which I quickly gave, knowing very well that there were only two names on Clark Kent's list of allowed visitors, and mine was one of them. Did it matter that neither of those two people ever came to visit him?

It had been a long time since I'd been in his apartment. I didn't really want to go in there now, but I'd considered all the other options and thought this one would be the best. I didn't want him to know I was coming. I wanted the element of surprise on my side, and this was the last place he would ever expect to find me. Besides, I was infinitely more comfortable talking to him when he was dressed in normal clothing, when his family crest wasn't glaring at me in such bold colors.

I rode the elevator up to the third floor and stood outside of Apartment D. I looked at the door…past the door…to what was on the other side…to him. He was lounging on the couch in jeans and an old flannel shirt that looked as if it had seen better days, watching a football game like any other ordinary man would do after a long day of work. I always thought it was funny that he liked to watch sports. After all, he could outrun, out throw, and basically outplay any and every person on this planet. Yet he loved to watch the game anyway.

I lifted my hand…and hesitated.

_Do it, Jason._ It was Kate's voice in my head now. _Tell him how you feel._

Still watching him through the door, I knocked three times.

He sat up, startled, and looked over his shoulder at the door. His hand instinctively went to the fake glasses sitting on the coffee table. And then he froze. The surprised look on his face made it clear that he could see me. "Jason," I heard him mutter. Just for his benefit, to let him know I could see him, too, I waved. Quickly, he switched off the TV and came to open the door.

"Hi," I said, my eyes not quite wanting to meet his.

"Hi." He was trying to sound casual, I could tell. "How's Kate?"

"She's good. She has to wear the cast for a month, but she'll be fine."

"And how are you?" he asked in an uncharacteristically unsteady voice.

I slipped my hands in my pockets and looked down at the floor. "That's kind of why I came over here. To talk." I slowly looked up to meet his eyes. "Can I come in?"

His eyes went wide in genuine amazement. "Yes. Of course." But there was a hint of worry in his voice, and his body language didn't emit the usual confidence that was normal for him.

I didn't blame him. I wasn't confident either. But I was here. And I couldn't turn back now.

I heard the door close behind me as I glanced around the apartment, taking in the subtle changes here and there. Clark Kent wasn't a fancy man. Still, there were changes. "You redecorated," I stated.

"Oh, yeah," he confirmed. "Just the couch. I got it last year. And the TV is new."

The walls were a soft, pale brown, a color I didn't remember. "You painted."

"Couple years ago, yes."

"How long did that take you? Ten minutes?"

He paused slightly. "A little longer than that."

The silence that grew between us then was very uncomfortable.

"Do you want something to drink?" I knew he was only asking out of the need to have something to do other than stare at me.

"Sure. Water is fine."

He left me alone to head into the kitchen. I took the opportunity to examine a few of the details of the room. There was very little art on the walls. Just a few random things that he had probably stuck up there so that if anyone were ever to come in they wouldn't realize how empty his life was. It reminded me of the way a model home was decorated – comfortable, but with nothing personal. The books that filled his bookcase were all well read, some classics, some not. The mantel over the fireplace held the only truly visible signs that that the person who lived here had any connections to the real world.

Pictures lined the shelf in an orderly row. Pictures of the farm he grew up on. Martha and Jonathan Kent smiling lovingly, their arms wrapped around him. I'd met Martha Kent once. I was about eight and she came to visit him at the Planet. She was very nice to me. Too bad she died before I knew that she was my grandmother. A picture of him getting a writing award at work was next. It was obvious why this picture had such a place of honor, for there standing next to him, and looking as happy as ever, was my mother. He'd chosen that particular picture not to show off the award, but for a plausible excuse to always have her image there next to him.

And then there was me. The first was a picture of my mom holding me soon after I was born. I had to be a few months old, because there were no wires or needles or any of the other unmistakable signs of how sick I was as an infant. The next picture was of my high school graduation. Just me standing alone, holding up my diploma with a huge grin plastered on my face. The last frame simply held a crayon scribbled drawing of Superman holding a little boy with the words, "I love you, Superman!" written in choppy, first grade handwriting next to it.

When he came back into the room, he didn't say anything. He just placed my glass down on the table and waited for me to turn around.

"Why do you still have this?" I asked, my voice very soft.

"I don't have very many things from you. There are actually five or six other drawings behind that one. I have the rest of them in a box in the bedroom."

"You kept all my drawings?" I said in wonder.

"Of course I did."

"Why? They're just stupid drawings."

"Not to me."

I turned to look at him then, taken aback by the sound of reverence in his voice. I had turned just in time to catch the small smile on his face before it fell and his eyes settled on me in that way that never failed to make me nervous. His eyes always seemed to see beyond me, which was entirely possible, of course, but it still made me anxious.

The time had come for me to explain what I was doing here. I took a deep breath, and prepared myself for the worst.

_AN #2: PS - I will be out of town this weekend, so don't expect an update until I return Monday. Sorry. I know…it's a cliff hanger…but that's just the way the scene fell into place. _


	10. Chapter 9

_AN: The beta readers get a HUGE shout out this time around. Hellish Red Devil and htbthomas had their work cut out for them with this monster of a chapter. And then I tossed in the feedback from Pen Maestro and decided to change a few things here and there, which made me ask them to read the thing AGAIN. Sigh. I hope, after all the fuss, that you all enjoy this and feel somewhat better about being sucked into such an angst filled fic. I'm not finished with these characters just yet, so no need to request that I continue. I have at least one more thing planned for them, so stay tuned._

_I'm pleased to see that I'm not the only person obsessed with Jason lately. There seems to be so many fics right now focusing on him, and I think that's wonderful. I wanted to plug one fic in particular that just had me all giddy with delight. It's called Sick Day and it's by Sostenuto. Just the perfect little stolen moment between Jason and Superman/Clark. Check it out._

**Chapter Nine**

I wet my lips and immediately started talking, wanting to get this over and done with as fast as I could. "Kate is a psychology major," I announced rather unexpectedly. "Did you know that?"

"No, I didn't."

I leaned against the counter that separated the kitchen from the main room and purposefully kept my eyes on the floor. "Yeah, well, she's really good at what she does." I swallowed. "She has a theory…about…families. Parents and children." I was rambling, I knew that, but there was no hope for it. The only way I could ever hold my own around him was if I said things that were intentionally spiteful, and I had promised Kate I wouldn't do that today. So he'd just have to deal with my rambles and I'd hope he'd understand me.

"She says that parents have certain expectations for their children…and that children want certain things from their parents in return. The problem is that most parents in the world never tell their children exactly what it is they expect, which makes the children think that the expectations are higher than they really are. Same with the kids. They never tell their parents what they need from them. So both parents and the children spend the majority of their lives trying to do what the other one wants when they never really knew what it was the other one wanted in the first place."

It had sounded much better when Kate explained it to me last night. It all came out in a rush and I doubted I had made any sense at all, but I pressed on. "Kate says that…um…you and me…that we are a perfect example of that."

"I'd say Kate's a pretty intelligent young woman."

"Do you think I would fall in love with someone who was stupid?" I internally slapped myself the moment the words were out of my mouth. "Sorry. I'm not supposed to do that."

"Do what?"

"Snap at you."

"But you're so good at it," he said with a hint of a tease.

I bit back the nasty retort that sprang to my mind. "Kate said that I had to talk to you without acting like a bastard."

"Jason." There was a warning in his tone.

I rolled my eyes. "Asshole. I'm not supposed to act like an asshole. Is that better?"

"It's not the word I would use, but it's certainly better than your first choice." He stepped closer to me. "Why would she say that? I mean, I thought she didn't care much for me."

I shifted against the wall. "Well, you're not her favorite person, but she still thought I should give you a chance."

"And you listened to her?"

I looked up at him in surprise. "Yes."

"Your mom's been trying to get you to talk to me for years now. Why the sudden change of heart?"

I slumped farther down the wall. "Because Kate said she couldn't marry me as long as I was this angry at you." I hated telling him that, but I'd also promised her I would tell the truth to him. "She offered to come along to help make sure things stayed civil, but I thought that would just be awkward, so I promised her that I'd be on my best behavior. Feel free to tattle on me for snapping."

"I'm not going to tattle, but I do appreciate the chance to talk." He paused, and the conversation was again awkward and tense. "So…what do you want to…talk…about?" It wasn't like him to sound so unsure of himself.

"I dunno," I mumbled. "I mean, don't you have anything to say to me?"

"What do you want me to say?"

God, he was so irritating sometimes. "Look, I came over here. I made the first move. I don't think I should be the one to have to start fleshing out the details."

"All right then," he said quickly, trying to avoid an argument

"If you ever wanted to say something to me, then now is your chance. So just…say it."

I noticed that his jaw tightened almost imperceptibly. "I guess that what I need to say is that I'm sorry. I failed you and I'm not sure where I went wrong. I only ever wanted you to be happy. Happy and safe. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to keep you safe without infringing upon your happiness."

"You mean because you stayed away."

"Yes."

My eyes returned to gaze at that familiar spot on the floor. "And I only ever wanted you around. I wanted to know that I fit somewhere. That I belonged somewhere. That I wasn't just some…freak."

"And I didn't do a very good job of communicating that to you," he admitted.

I snorted. "You didn't do a good job of communicating anything to me except that everyone else was more important than I was."

"Which is _not true_." He punctuated the last words sharply.

I glanced up at him briefly, only to quickly look away from those wide, earnest eyes of his. "You say that now, but you never really showed it."

"Jason, I couldn't. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't."

"Yeah…right," I scoffed, and sat down on the couch.

He sat down in the chair opposite me, and I could feel his eyes on me. He wanted me to look up at him, it was obvious. But I kept my eyes down.

"Every moment I spent with you put you at risk. The more time I spent with you, the more opportunity someone had to wonder at why I paid you so much attention. I couldn't risk that, Jason. I couldn't put you in a position where people could use you against me. If anyone ever found out about the connection between you and me, you could have been made a target. So I forfeited so many opportunities to see you in the hopes that it would keep you out of the public's eye and safe from any of my enemies."

"Connection," I mumbled. I hated when he referred to me that way. "You didn't want anyone to know about the mistake you made. About me."

"No," he started. "Well…not like that. I didn't want anyone to know who you were."

"Right. Because who would believe that?"

"No…"

"Who would believe that you had such a failure for a…" I wasn't going to be the one to say it first. I thought maybe he would catch on and finish the sentence.

Instead, he said, "Failure?" From the corner of my eye I saw him shake his head. "I don't…understand."

"You didn't want anyone to know because…it would be…too embarrassing." I was stumbling over the words now.

"Why would that be…embarrassing?"

Was he really going to make me say it? "Because I'm not good enough." Was this some kind of new game for him? Make me admit that I'm not anywhere near worthy enough to be related to him?

He didn't say anything. The room was quiet, and I couldn't stand it. "I'm not good enough," I continued in a voice just above a whisper. "And I never will be. You can't even admit the truth to me; you're so ashamed of me. I'm nothing but a disappointment and a constant reminder of a mistake so painful that you won't even let my mother remember it." My voice was shaking, but I refused to let myself shed a tear. "That's why you didn't want me."

The room was silent again as I waited for him to say something – anything that would justify his reason for what a disappointment I was. After a few torturous seconds of silence, I glanced over at him to find him staring back at me in total shock. His brows were furrowed, not in anger, but in confusion. His mouth hung open slightly and there was real pain evident in his eyes. After another moment, he slumped back in his chair, appearing defeated and completely lost. He blinked and swallowed hard, but still said nothing. Resting his elbow on the arm of the chair, he covered his mouth with his hand and continued to look at me in astonishment.

"Oh, my God," he sighed into his hand. He made a fist and pressed it against his upper lip in thought. "How long have you felt this way?" he asked so quietly I almost thought I imagined it.

Was he serious? He was acting as if he'd never known I felt this way. How could he not know? It'd always been so obvious. "All my life," I informed him.

His eyes shut tight before he covered them with his hand. "Oh, my God," he groaned again. "No wonder you hate me."

He took another moment to run his hand through his hair before looking at me again. The frown on his face echoed mine, as did the confusion. The hurt reflected in his eyes was difficult to endure. He looked as if he might cry. I'd seen him visibly shaken. I'd seen him worried and emotional. But I'd never seen him cry. His reaction to my words only puzzled me all the more.

Suddenly he stood up and walked away from me, keeping his back to me so that I couldn't judge the emotion on his face. His arms were crossed in front of his chest and his voice was low and shaking. "Wow, Jason. Wow." He paused, and I heard a small puff of air escape him like a tiny laugh. "When you said you never wanted to see me again…that you hated me…I never thought you would ever say anything to me that could hurt more than that. But…ashamed of you?" he gasped. "Not want you? Do you really believe that's what I feel?"

"I don't have any reason _not _to believe it. You never gave me any proof otherwise," I pointed out.

"Ashamed of you," he whispered. "Oh…Jason…" He turned slowly to look over at me with eyes that were clouded with tears. "Nothing could be further from the truth."

I pulled my eyes away from his. I couldn't stand the raw emotion I saw there. I couldn't believe what he trying to express now after so many years of demonstrating the exact opposite.

"You have no idea," he mumbled. "You really have no idea."

"No, I don't," I agreed, "because you've never told me."

"I didn't think you wanted to hear it."

"Why wouldn't I want to hear it?" I snapped. "Isn't that what every kid wants to hear from their parents? Isn't that what parents are supposed to say?"

"But I wasn't legally your parent. That privilege fell on Richard's shoulders."

That stung, and I had to fight him on that count. "You think this is about legality? Just because your name isn't on some piece of paper doesn't mean that you don't have any responsibility. Tell me, were you ever legally adopted by the Kents?"

He looked confused, but he said, "No…not legally. They forged…"

"They were still your parents, though. I mean, they still took care of you like parents should."

"Yes," he admitted slowly.

"So don't give me this legality crap. If you wanted the legal rights, you could have had 'em." Which was entirely the truth. Had he asked, I'm sure Mom would have said yes. "Just stick to the truth," I finished, looking back down at the floor.

"The truth is that I didn't want to upset your life any more than I already had. Lois asked me to wait until you were old enough to understand, and I agreed with her. You were still so little, and I wasn't going to rip you away from the only family you'd ever known. Had Richard abused or mistreated you in any way, then I would have been justified. But Richard loves you as if you were his own son."

I snapped. "Something you could never bring yourself to do."

He gasped again and shook his head. "You think I don't love you." It wasn't a question. "Of course. If I'm _ashamed_ of you…and I don't _want_ you...then I certainly don't _love_ you." He wiped his hand over his eyes. "I've really failed you, haven't I, Jason?"

It took everything I had not to say _yes_ back to him. Instead, I let him stew in his own failure for a moment – let him feel some of the pain I felt every day of my life. I thought it would be much more effective and fair for him to have to own up to everything he'd failed at doing for me. I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to realize how very little he understood about me – how he never took the time to even notice my feelings or consider how his absence hurt more than it helped.

Feel it – I willed at him. Hurt. Pain. Sticks and stones can't break your bones but words will cut right to the core.

He took a deep breath, and I readied myself for the apology I so richly deserved. I'd let him lie to me again, just this once. I'd listen to his moaning and false assurances that it was all for the best and then I'd tell him to toss off and stay away. I'd done my part – I'd talked to him and I'd stayed reasonably civil. Kate never said I had to forgive him! Just talk.

But the words that came out of his mouth next weren't an apology. They were completely opposite from what I was expecting.

"The first time I saw you," he started quietly, "was at the Planet. You probably don't even remember. I had seen your picture on Lois' desk, so I knew who you were, but to see you face-to-face…" He stopped and smiled. "You were so cute. The spitting image of Lois. Except with blue eyes."

I looked away from him, blushing and wanting to tell him to just shut up. This wasn't what I wanted to hear. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.

"And then Lois came along and introduced me to you…and to Richard. He scooped you up in his arms…and he kissed Lois." His voice wavered. "You have no idea what that did to me. To not only see her with another man, but to see her happy…and with a child. It was like a nightmare come true. I knew then that Richard would always have something with Lois that I could never have – that I wasn't allowed. I'd never felt more alone than I did those first few days I was back. And I have felt alone for most of my life."

I frowned at him. His loneliness was his own doing. He made that choice.

"I don't know how much you remember about that time, but everything going on with Luthor…and with your mother…I just sort of shut down. Yes, there was kryptonite…but it was more than that." His voice dropped in volume even more. "I remember sleeping – sleeping so deeply and soundly that I didn't ever want to wake up. I felt free – free from responsibility, from…loneliness. There wasn't anything holding me here. The world had survived for five years without me. How bad would it really be if I…just stayed…asleep."

I gaped at him. It was unfathomable. I'd never heard him talk this way, and I wasn't sure if I could actually believe what I was hearing. Had he really been hurt that much? And if that's how he really felt, why, then, did he ever choose to come back and return to the life he seemed to regret?

I soon got my answer, and nothing I had heard prior prepared me for it.

"Then, as I laid there in that hospital bed, I heard Lois whispering to me. I would recognize her voice anywhere. And she told me…that you were my son. _My_ son. Not Richard's. My _son_. My flesh and blood."

If I could have, I would have curled up inside of myself to hide from those words. I sat on my hands, my entire body rigid. I'd waited for so long to hear this that I couldn't quite control my reaction to it. I kept my eyes away from him as he continued, not daring to look at him for fear of the emotion I would feel.

His voice was shaking. "I don't think I can describe to you what I felt in that instant. I knew it was true. Why would she tell me you were my son if you weren't? Why would she bring you to my room to see me if you weren't my son – because I know you were there. I heard you. You kissed my forehead."

I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to remember, wishing I could take it back. I remembered how odd it was to see him in a hospital bed. I remembered how I touched the emblem of his outfit in wonder. I remembered wanting him to get better. I remembered kissing him with the childlike innocence of a little boy uncertain of a future without Superman in it.

"Something inside me exploded," he went on, his voice slightly growing in intensity. "It was as if I'd never truly felt alive until that moment. All I wanted was to feel more of that power, and the only way I could have that was if I saw you. I had to see you again, not as Lois' son, but as _my_ son. I had to look at you as a father." He choked on the word. "A _father_."

"I left the hospital as soon as I had the strength to do so." I heard him take a step closer to me. "I only had one destination in mind. There was only one face I wanted to see. One face that filled my mind." He was close enough now that I could see his shoes. "And for the first time in a very long time, that face didn't belong to Lois."

He sat down next to me, but I refused to look up. I couldn't. I didn't want him to see what I was feeling. I didn't want to feel this emotion. This wasn't part of the plan. He was supposed to make excuses and try to apologize and I was supposed to refuse him. He was never supposed to tell me everything I'd ever wanted to hear from him – everything I'd longed to hear. It was too much.

But he wasn't done. And I was powerless to stop him. If I spoke now, the emotion in my voice would betray me.

"I stood in your bedroom that night in complete and total wonder of you. I don't think I'd ever seen a more perfectly beautiful child in my life. I was tempted to wake you up so that I could hear your voice…see your eyes. In all of the galaxy…in all the universe…there isn't one single being that I can call my flesh and blood. There isn't one single being alive that I can honestly look at and see any similarity to myself…except for you."

His voice became harder then. "And you think that I'm disappointed with you. That I'm ashamed of you. That I don't want you. Jason…" The reverence I had heard in his voice earlier returned in full force. "You are my miracle. You are a gift. Of all the things I've ever done in my life, all the lives I've saved, all the disasters I've helped to avoid, you are the one I am most proud of. You are more important to me than any other life on this or any other planet…including your mother."

The way his voice broke sent a ripple of emotion traveling through my body. I still couldn't look at him. I tried with all my might to fight back the emotions building within me. I wasn't supposed to be the one hurting right now. He was. And it still didn't make sense to me. If he cared for me the way he said he did, why did he insist on making me feel so worthless? I couldn't let that go. I couldn't let the power of these new emotions overshadow the old ones.

"If that's true," I managed in a voice so hoarse and unfamiliar, "then why…why did it take you this long to tell me?"

"Like I said earlier, I didn't think you wanted to hear it. When you were little, I couldn't tell you without confusing you. Yet when you were old enough to understand, you never seemed to want to listen to anything I said about Krypton or our relationship. You would shrug it off and insist on changing the subject."

"Because I didn't want lectures reminding me how worthless I was!"

"Worthless? Jason! Did you not hear a word I just said to you?"

"I heard them, but they contradict everything you've ever done for me. If you really care about someone, you don't stay away from them. And when you see them, you don't make them feel as if they aren't good enough."

"How did I do that?" he beseeched.

"Every time a new power developed, I would come running to you to show you what I could do in the hope that you would see that I was at least trying, but it was never enough." My chin quivered as I spoke, making my voice sound that much more uneasy. The emotions were right there on the surface, but I fought desperately to keep them reigned in. "I could do some things, but it was never enough. I was never strong enough, never fast enough. It took me ages to learn what little control I have today. And instead of praising me for the things I could do, you looked at me with disappointment, disappointment that I would never…that I would never be like you." I couldn't help the way I fell over my words.

He frowned in confusion again. "No, you misunderstand, Jason. If I looked at you in disappointment, it wasn't because _I_ was unhappy with your accomplishments, but that I thought _you_ were unhappy with them. You always tried to do more than I knew you were able to do. You would get so frustrated with yourself. I thought you wanted to be able to do more, and when you couldn't, it seemed to me that it caused you pain. If I looked at you in disappointment, it was because I knew there were limits to your powers."

"Exactly!" He'd admitted it! "Because I'm too human!"

"What?"

"I'm too human." The fire boiled inside me. "You never accepted me because I'm too human!"

"I never said that," he contested.

"Oh, yes, you did!" I lashed out. "I heard you say it to Mom."

"When?"

I looked him straight in the eyes and released the last reservoir of anger I'd been holding in. "When I was about fifteen. You said, 'He'll never fly, Lois. He's too human.' I heard it with my own ears, so don't you dare deny it!"

His blue eyes stared back at mine in disbelief. "I didn't say that as an insult, but as a matter of fact. The human part of your body makes it impossible for you to do some of the things I can do. Specifically, gravity works differently on your body than it does mine."

"And you can't stand that," I added.

"Can't stand…?"

"That I'm human. Or part human. Or whatever I am."

"Your humanity is part of who you are, Jason."

"Yeah, the bad part, according to you."

"No!" he said fiercely, making me jump. "Don't you _dare_ accuse me of not caring for you because of your humanity. Don't even think it. Your humanity comes from your mother, who I happen to love very much. Saying that I don't love you because you're human implies that I don't love her for the same reason, and that is simply not true."

I wet my lips again, still fighting a war with my emotions. "It's what keeps me from being like you."

"Jason, I don't want you to be like me!"

"You said Jor-El's words applied to me," I reminded him.

"They _do_. You have the power to help people, but that doesn't mean you have to offer your help the way I do. I want you to have a life of your own, yes, but I don't want you ignore your gifts in an attempt to push me out of your life. You might, someday, look back and realize how many people you could have helped, and I don't what you to ever feel guilty for not helping someone when you potentially could have."

"So let me get this straight," I sputtered out in a broken voice, tears very nearly filling up my eyes. I was losing the battle with my feelings. "You want me to believe that this whole time…_I_ have been the most important thing in you life?"

"Yes," He answered without hesitation.

"That you don't care what I do with my life so long as I…try…to do what I can to help people…when I can…discreetly."

"Yes."

"And the fact that I'll never be as good as you…that doesn't matter?"

"Jason," he said calmly. "If you didn't have any powers – if you never developed any of my abilities – if you couldn't lift anything heavier than a penny – if there was no more similarity between you and me except for the color of your eyes…you would still be my son." His voice cracked, the truth unmistakably showing in the way his eyes bore into my own. "It doesn't matter to me how strong or fast you are or if you can fly or not. You are my son, no matter what."

I noticed that his eyes were wet. I shouldn't have looked into his eyes, for now my own eyes were filling up with unshed tears.

"I know…I know that you wish Richard was your real father," he faltered. "I can't change that for you. No matter how little we see of each other…if you decided you never wanted to see me or speak to me again…you will still be my son."

I wanted to tell him to stop, that I couldn't hear this, that it was too much, but I knew that if I spoke even one word, the wall would break and I would be lost. I repressed the sob that was building in my chest, feeling my heart beating rapidly, and noticing for the first time that his heart was beating just as fast. His breathing had increased, too, nearly matching mine. I couldn't take it in. This wasn't supposed to be happening like this.

"And Jason," he added, "no matter how much you hate me…"

Don't say it, I screamed mentally. No. I can't…

"…I will always love you."

I covered my face with my hands, not wanting him to witness what was happening to me. I didn't believe it myself. How many years had I waited to hear those words? How many years had I believed just the opposite of what he was now telling me? How had I ever let it go on this long without confronting him? What little restraint I had in keeping my emotions in check was lost for good now and I cried into my hands freely.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Jason," he soothed.

I crumbled into his embrace, finally finding the comfort I had been searching for since I was a little child. His arms held me, supported me, and for the first time, I allowed my mind to think of him as my father. Not just as the man who fathered me, but as my _father_ – as the strength I'd always wanted and needed. _My_ father was comforting me. _My_ father was telling me I was good enough. _My father_.

"I love you, Jason," he muttered through his own tears. "Don't ever doubt that again. Blame me for not making sure it was perfectly clear to you sooner, but don't doubt it. _Never_ doubt it. I love you."

I balled up my fists and squeezed my arms around him tightly, not wanting to let go. Everything I felt – every word I had heard tonight-- echoed in my head. I thought over my life and all the moments I had spent with him, comparing the things I had believed about our relationship to the things he had said tonight, and found, with despair, that he was being honest with me. He was telling me the truth. He really didn't know I had been struggling with this all my life. All the years that I had spent trying to win his affection by proving myself to him…how pointless it all was! I already _had_ his affection. I had it all along, and I never allowed myself to see it.

"I love you, Jason," he repeated.

I sniffed and somehow managed to say, "I know."

It was his turn to squeeze me this time, and I let myself feel the power of his embrace. But I couldn't let it go on too long. Losing control was becoming a habit, and I needed to regain my footing quickly or I'd turn into a blubbering idiot.

I broke away from him abruptly, standing up and walking to the window while I wiped at my eyes. "Okay," I sighed, forcing my voice to sound normal. "That's good. I'm good." My hands pressed into my eyes to clear out any residual tears that might still be lurking. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Okay," I muttered again.

Once I had regained my composure, I felt confident enough to turn around and face him. He too had stood up. His eyes were tinted red, but he had a subtle, soft smile on his face. "So…um…" he stuttered, sounding more like the Clark Kent he pretended to be than his real self.

"Yeah," I breathed, not knowing what to say.

"What do we do now?" he asked slowly.

"I don't know. I've been angry at you for so long. And I'm not saying that I'm still not angry. I mean…I still have things to think about…but…"

"But we're better?" he pressed.

I only nodded. "Will you do something for me, though?"

"Anything, Jason."

I doubted he would fulfill my request, but I had to ask. "Will you tell Mom? It would make my life a lot easier if she knew."

He pursed his lips. "Would you believe me if I told you that I have come very close to telling her quite a few times?"

That surprised me. "Why didn't you?"

"Because…I'm too selfish," he confessed. "I used to think of myself as rather unselfish…giving up so much of myself for everyone else. And the one time I did ask for something for myself, it backfired and the world was put in danger. And Lois…Lois was a wreck because of it." He paused a moment and ran a hand through his hair. "What I did cost me her love. As Superman, our relationship has been…strained…confusing, and that's entirely my fault. But as Clark Kent, I still had your mother's friendship. She would talk to me and occasionally have a meal with me and, most importantly, tell me what was going on in your life. If I told her the truth about who I was, I risked losing her again, and I don't think I could have handled that."

"Does that mean you won't tell her now? Even if I promise to try…I mean…I'm not saying it's perfect, but if I promise to let you in my life more…will you tell her?"

He thought for a moment. "I'll tell her, but you're going to have to give me some time."

"Just make it very clear to her that I wanted to tell her right from the start."

"Absolutely."

"I don't want her angry with me because of your choices."

"Agreed," he said. "But you need to do something for me in return."

Oh no. I was afraid to ask. "What?"

"If ever I mention Krypton, or your abilities, or any of those things that you would normally scoff at, will you please not moan and groan and roll your eyes in disgust?"

I nearly smiled. "Okay. I can do that."

"You can't ever expect to accept who you are unless you can accept who I am."

I blinked in amazement at his sudden perceptiveness. He'd missed the mark so many times in the past that I was slightly dazed at how he was able to pick up on something like that. It pained me to have to admit that he was right.

"Then you have to accept me for who I am, too," I declared. "I'm not a superhero, I'm just a pianist."

"Oh, Jason, you are much more than 'just a pianist.'"

"Well, yeah," I shrugged. "I have a girlfriend…and I have family troubles…"

"No, that's not what I mean," he chuckled. "The way you said 'just a pianist' makes it sound as if it's simply a hobby or a passing phase, when in fact you are so very talented. You have a gift with music that no matter how hard I tired, I never could manage for myself."

"Yeah, well, I wanted to be good at something that you sucked at," I said in all honesty.

"You succeeded," He chuckled again.

And then it hit me. "When have you heard me play?"

"I have heard every concert or recital that you have ever given."

I didn't believe him. "You were never there. I never saw you."

"Just because I wasn't seated in the audience doesn't mean I wasn't listening," he pointed out. "Clark Kent couldn't very well attend all of your concerts. Lois would start to wonder if I was stalking you."

"You heard…all of them?" I was amazed.

"Every one – except the one at the end of your junior year. A building collapsed just as it was starting. I actually weighed the options for a moment. I'm sorry I missed it. Your mom told me that you made her cry."

"I played the 'Moonlight Sonata,'" I said, still stunned by this new piece information. "I don't know why it made her cry, but it… Every one?" I asked again, almost disbelievingly.

He nodded. "I also saw most of your games the two years you were in Little League, the three times that you went out for the spelling bee, and a rather comical performance in a play about Long John Silver when you were in fifth grade."

"Oh, my God," I groaned and covered my face. "You _saw_ that?"

"Of course I did," he said, still chuckling slightly. "You're my son."

It surprised me how easily and freely he said the words now, as if the years of avoiding them had never happened. Even more surprising was how happy it made me feel.

"If I gave you a ticket to the competition I'm going to be in soon, would you come?" I asked.

"I would be honored."

The room was quiet for a while as we just looked at each other, feeling the change that had passed between us. It was rather unbelievable.

"I should go," I said at last, turning to the door. "Kate's probably pacing the floor wondering what happened to me, I've been gone so long."

"Yes, of course," he agreed, following me to the door. "Will you tell her I said thank you?"

"For what?"

"For today."

"Oh."

"And Jason, if ever you need to talk…"

"I know," I stopped him. "You're always around."

He smiled. "I am."

For the first time in a long time, I believed him.


	11. Chapter 10

_AN: Well here it is – my final chapter. I have an epilogue finished up and will post that in a day or so just to add the final touch to the story. I'm thrilled beyond belief that so many of you have stuck with me through this nightmare of an angst fic and didn't flame me for giving them such a strained relationship. I was really very afraid that I'd become the black sheep of the Superman fandom! _

_If you have enjoyed this fic, please check out Being Jason White, which I wrote AFTER this story as a companion piece. It gives a more detailed history of the events I only hint at in this fic. _

_Thanks to the betas. Hellish – you rox. Htbthomas – how you find the time to beta read for EVERYONE in this fandom and write a fabo fic is beyond me._

_I found this quote in a review for Superman Returns and nearly died laughing. I think it sums up why I was so drawn to write a story about Jason and his confused life. _

"_Jason White is the physiologically messed up child of a human being and a Kryptonian. He has asthma and apparently every other physical ailment that Bryan, Mike and Dan could find in the New England Journal of Medicine. He's very smart, but physically under par. Does that sound particularly "super" to you? Nope."_

_This chapter has been slightly altered since it's original posting._

**Chapter Ten**

"Mr. White," the security guard chimed as I entered the building.

"Hi, Frank. How are you?"

"Surprised to see you," he answered, making me pause on my way to the elevator. "Aren't you a week early?"

It was a confirmation of something I had known for a while now; the routine was getting old. "I thought I'd surprise him for once."

The old man nodded and returned to reading his newspaper. I pressed the button to call the elevator and waited impatiently, tapping my toes and fidgeting with my watch. I was nervous. Very nervous. I only hoped it didn't show too badly.

"Anything the matter?" Frank asked after a moment.

"No," I lied, not looking at him. "Why?"

"You look nervous."

So much for that. But then, Frank always seemed to notice things that the average person didn't. It made me wonder just how much he knew about a certain mild-mannered reporter living in the building.

"I'm fine," I assured him, just as the doors to the elevator opened, offering me some freedom from his insightful queries.

But my nervous energy only grew as I ascended to the third floor. I'd never been in this position before. I wasn't sure how to break the news to him…nor was I really certain how he would respond to it. We hadn't ever broached this topic before, which was odd in and of itself, considering all the things we _had_ talked about. I knew why I had always avoided it, but it worried me as to why _he_ had avoided it. I would find out sooner rather than later.

The doors opened again and I slowly approached the door to his apartment. I could hear the TV beyond the door, so I knew he was home without having to use any tricks of the trade. Taking a deep breath, I knocked lightly on the door.

The locked clicked a few seconds later and the door swung open. "Jason," he said with a smile. "What are you…um…?"

I smiled back at him. "I just…wanted to talk. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," he answered, looking a bit surprised. "Of course. Come on in."

I walked into the main living area, stuffing my hands in my pockets to keep from giving away my nervousness. He followed close behind, picking up a few random articles of clothes strewn about and stacking the paperwork tossed around the kitchen table into a neat little pile.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I wasn't expecting company."

I laughed at him. "I can clean our apartment in about twenty minutes and it's about twice the size of your place. I'm pretty sure it would take you…oh…five seconds to clean this place."

He shrugged. "Call me lazy."

"Sure, 'cause that's the first adjective that comes to mind when I think of you. Lazy," I joked.

"All right. All right," he sighed, signaling for me to have a seat. "Can I get you something to drink? Soda? Beer?"

"A beer is fine. Thanks." I wondered how long it would take me to get over the fact that he actually drank alcohol. I remembered the first time we met for lunch and I nearly choked when I found him with a Heineken in hand.

"Don't be so surprised," he had said. "It's not like I'm doing anything illegal. Besides, I'd have to drink an entire keg to even get remotely tipsy."

He disappeared into the kitchen, leaving me alone to glance around the apartment. I took the liberty of switching off the TV, which suddenly made the apartment intensely quiet. My knee began to shake in anticipation of telling him my news while my eyes wandered unconsciously over to the pictures he had on the mantle. There was one of Kate and me on our wedding day; Kate had framed it specifically for him to make sure he knew she wanted him to display it.

A piece of paper next to the picture caught my eye, and I stood up to walk over and examine the item. To my surprise, it was the program from the contest I had participated in nearly three years ago. I flipped it open and read the short blurb I had been allowed to include:

_Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini" has been one of my mother's favorite pieces of music for a long time. It is for her that I chose this piece for my first selection. It's generally considered one of the most romantic pieces of music ever written. Therefore, I must admit that although I selected the piece for my mother, I will be thinking of my fiancée as I play it. My second selection is "Le Réveil des Oiseaux" by Messiaen, which is commonly referred to as one of his bird pieces. My dad is a pilot. I've always been somewhat jealous of my father's ability to fly, but I've never had the discipline to learn for myself. It is for my dad – my father – that I chose my second piece. _

I hadn't won the competition, but my third place finish had opened more than enough doors to start a career. I knew that this program held a place of honor on the mantle, not because of the award I had achieved, but for the sentiment implied in that small spattering of words. Who would have ever guessed that Clark Kent was a sentimental guy? Yet here on his mantle for the entire world to see, should they care to look, was visible proof.

"Here you go," he said, announcing his return to the room and handing me a cold bottle.

I thanked him and took a drink, hoping the alcohol would soothe some of my tense nerves.

"So," he started, gulping down some of his own drink. "Did I…get the week wrong…or…?"

"No," I said, waving it off. "I just…had something I needed to talk to you about that couldn't wait, so I came by. I didn't think it'd be a problem."

"It's not a problem. I'm just…surprised."

I sat down on the arm of the sofa. "Well, maybe you shouldn't be. I mean…I was going to mention this when we met next week, but since I'm here…I guess I can get to it now."

He looked confused, but didn't say anything. That was usually his style. He would quietly wait for me to get though whatever ramble I needed to get through before he said anything.

"This whole meeting up once a month thing…" I sighed. "I'm not sure it's really…necessary…anymore."

The confusion on his face didn't go away, which was my cue that he needed more information.

"I mean, it was good for a while. I think it was really good to get me to talk even when I didn't want to talk, but now…I mean…do you really think we need to keep this up?"

His expression was rather blank as he said, "Whatever you want, Jason."

"Only if that's what you want," I added, opening the door for him to tell me what he was really thinking.

He pursed his lips. "I want…whatever makes you comfortable. I've really enjoyed our visits and I don't want them to stop, but if you would rather -"

"I'm not saying that I want them to stop. That's not what I'm saying at all."

He looked up at me in relief.

I went on with my explanation. "What I mean is that I think we're past the whole scheduled appointment thing." I shifted down to sit on the couch and placed my beer on the coffee table. "It worked for a while, and that was great, but I think we've moved past that and we should…you know…be natural about it. If we bump into each other some day, then we could talk for a while. If I want to come over some time, it shouldn't surprise you to see me here. If we see each other two or three times in one week, that's fine. If we go two or three months without anything but a phone call, big deal. You know, I don't know anyone my age that has a regular monthly appointment with a parent…unless they're in some kind of medical facility." I smiled up at him. "Last I checked, you were pretty healthy and your sanity wasn't in question."

He sat down on the chair opposite from me. "Well, I don't know about that. I'm sure loads of people think I'm a little crazy."

"True," I laughed. "Still, you get my point, right? I don't want you to see this as a step back, but as a step forward."

"You're right," he said with a head nod. "You're absolutely right. My door is always open. You should feel free to come over here whenever you want, and I need to stop acting so surprised by it."

"And vice versa. You should feel free to come by my apartment."

That stopped him and he raised his eyebrows at me. "Really?"

I rolled my eyes at the way his voice went up in pitch, proving that there really was a fine line between the real Clark Kent and the goofy man he pretended to be. "Yes, really," I confirmed. "Kate was just saying how weird it was that you've only been to our place once. And even that was just for a party and not very personal."

He swirled the liquid around in the beer bottle before placing it next to mine on the coffee table. "I didn't want…to…bother you."

"Bother me?"

"I didn't want to intrude…on your life," he rephrased.

I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. "It wouldn't be an intrusion."

"I understand that, and I thank you for it. But a while ago, you might have felt differently. You might have considered it intruding. I didn't want to pressure you into doing anything more than what you were comfortable with. Whatever you were willing to give, I would gladly take, and I wouldn't ask for more."

"Well, maybe you should start asking for more," I stated.

His mouth opened and closed as if he had something to say but wasn't quite sure how to say it. A shake of his head told me that he wasn't going to say whatever it was that was on his mind. I hated that.

"What?" I pressed. "Come on. I thought we were past the whole walking on eggshells thing."

His eyes met mine, and I could see that he was torn between saying what he wanted to say and saying what he thought I wanted to hear. It was a look I had grown accustomed to in recent years. I held his gaze until he finally spoke.

"I've never been certain how far is too far with you. You suggested meeting up once a month to talk and catch up and I thought that was wonderful. Even though there were times when I thought of calling you or stopping by, I would always reconsider. I was afraid of crossing the boundaries – afraid that it would be too much and that I would inadvertently push you away again. So I stuck to the plan, only now you're saying I shouldn't have done that."

I could see how he was getting mixed signals. "No," I explained. "What you did was fine. I'm just saying that now…I think we can move on. Be more casual about things." He nodded, but I could tell that he still wasn't convinced. I'd been so adamant about him staying out of my life for so long that I couldn't really blame him for being confused now, even after all the progress we had made.

"Given everything that's happened over the last few months…" I let my words trail off, not wanting to remind him too much of the painful situation he was in regarding my mom. I wet my lips and leaned forward slightly. "You're my father," I stressed. "You have a right to talk to me whenever you need to talk to me. You're welcome in my home – in my life. That's what all these meetings have been about."

His mouth turned up in a small smile, but it looked to me as if he was trying to fight off a full-out grin.

"Besides," I smiled back at him. "If you start to get annoying and I want you to leave me alone, I won't hesitate to tell you."

He chuckled under his breath, his head dropping to look down at his lap. "I don't doubt it."

I suddenly remembered why exactly I had wanted to talk to him in the first place and was surprised at how sidetracked I'd gotten in the conversation. The feeling of anxiousness returned and I fiddled with my wedding band as a momentary distraction.

"But you know," I said, gathering up my courage, "this wasn't why I came over here tonight." I stopped long enough for him to look up at me. "I mean, it's been important to get this out…especially considering…"

"Considering?"

"I was supposed to make it clear to you that you're welcome to visit our apartment whenever you want because you'll probably want to visit our apartment a lot…soon." I was blubbering, which was a dead giveaway that I had big news.

"I will?" he asked, not quite understanding what I was getting at.

"At least, I think so. I mean…" I was nervously wringing my hands now, unable to look at him directly, about to say the words that I'd never, ever said before. "Most people like to drop by… a lot…to visit their…grandchildren."

I slowly looked up to find him gazing back at me with wide eyes. "Grandchildren?"

Then I realized what I had said. "Grand_child_, I mean. There's only one. At least…I'm pretty sure there's only one."

"Jason?" he grinned at me.

"Kate's pregnant." There. I'd said it. It was out and I could stop panicking. Or start panicking…whichever the case may be.

He eased back in his chair, smiling madly at me with a slight chuckle. "Congratulations! What did um… what did your mother say?" His reason for hesitancy wasn't lost on me.

"We haven't told her yet. Mom and Dad are coming for dinner tomorrow night, so I'm sure it will be all over the office soon enough. I wanted you to hear it from me first, face-to-face, and not through the grapevine. We considered having you over for dinner as well, but then we thought…"

"No. You were right to do it this way. Lois…"

I knew what he wanted to say. He wasn't my mom's favorite person right now, and I knew how much that hurt him. Ever since he had told her the truth about his identity, she had wanted to keep her distance from him, which was difficult, considering how they worked together. He'd had a rough time of things – Mom had made sure of that. In fact, I'd never seen him so broken down as the day he told Mom the truth.

"She'll come around." It was a weak offering, but it was all I had.

"Maybe. We'll see." He didn't seem to believe me.

"Hey, if I can get over it and move on, then so can she," I offered as some sort of hope. "Just give her time."

He shook it off and smiled at me. "So, how long have you known?"

"Well, Kate's been suspicious for a few weeks now. She…ugh…" I rolled my eyes and laughed to myself about my wife's irrational behavior over the last ten days. "She bought a packet of pregnancy tests and insisted on taking all four of them over the course of three days just to be sure. And even though they were all positive, she didn't want me to say anything to anyone until she had medical proof. So she had the blood test done, and that came back positive, but she wanted to wait until her OB/GYN could see her before we said anything official. So this afternoon, we went to her doctor to have an ultrasound."

From my shirt pocket, I pulled out a fuzzy black and white picture of what looked like nothing and handed it over to him.

"What is this?" he asked, still grinning.

"Well, duh. That's a Mexican jumping bean. At least that's what I thought it looked like."

"Yeah?" he laughed.

"It's just that little…" There was no good term for it. "…blob thing there. That's the baby." I pointed it out. "On the ultrasound, it kind of pulses really fast, jumping around a bit. That's the heartbeat. But you can't see that in the picture."

He thought for a moment. "I'm sorry if this sounds odd, but couldn't you…see it?"

He meant with the X-ray vision. "I suppose I could, but I don't really know what I'm looking for. I don't have much experience with pregnant women. But I can hear the heartbeat," I offered.

"Yeah?" That made him smile again.

"I couldn't make it out at first because I didn't know what I was listening for. I couldn't distinguish it, you know. It doesn't sound like a normal human heartbeat."

His smile vanished all together. "What do you mean?"

I realized my word choice wasn't exactly the best. "I mean a fetus' heartbeat doesn't sound like an adult's heart beat. It's different. Faster."

"But the baby's okay?" he worried.

"Yeah. Everything looks fine," I assured him. "It's still early, but so far, so good." I should have stopped at everything looks fine, for he didn't look relieved. "I can't really tell the doctor to check for Kryptonian DNA, you know."

"I know," he sighed, looking back down at the ultrasound picture. "Is Kate doing well?

"She's great. She's ecstatic."

"Lois said that when she was pregnant…there were complications," he frowned.

"Well, that was just me being sick, as usual."

He gaped at me and I suddenly understood his question. How stupid could I be?

"Oh," I stammered. "She's fine. Really. She's fine. In fact, she's been really great about it. She says that since I'm half human, that the baby will be three quarters human, which she figures will give him the ability to clean his room really fast, but won't allow him to see through his girlfriend's clothes."

He smirked at me in disbelief.

"Her words, not mine," I added.

"Him?" he asked.

"Or her. We decided we couldn't call the baby _it,_ so we went with _him_."

"But Kate…she feels fine?" he pressed.

"She's got the typical nausea and wooziness. Stuff like that. Nothing to be worried about. And the doctor said the baby looks fine." I hoped that would make him feel better. I hadn't considered that he would be so concerned about Kate's health.

"Well, if ever something should happen..." he said. "If ever you need – or she needs…"

"We know who to call," I finished. "Trust me, we've already talked about that. You're infinitely faster than an ambulance or a car."

There was a moment of quiet as we both sat and thought about the conversation. His eyes lingered on the odd little photograph before he handed it over to me. "Well, congratulations, Jason. I'm very happy for you." His eyes met mine briefly as he added, "You're going to make a wonderful father."

I took the picture from him and decided I should be completely honest with him. "I'm scared out of my mind."

He blinked in surprise. "Why?"

I shrugged. "I don't know much about babies. I love kids and all, but…I don't know. It's different when it's your own."

"Very different," he said softly.

"I just don't want to mess this up."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I felt badly for having said them. I could see that he felt guilty and pained by them, and that only made me feel guilty and pained for having said them.

"You won't mess it up, Jason. Not like I did."

"That isn't what I meant."

"Yes, it is," he said quickly. "And you're right. I did mess things up – with your mother and with you."

"Well, I can't vouch for Mom, but I wasn't exactly an angel of a son," I admitted. "I think our situation was a little unusual though." He looked at me and I changed my mind. "Okay, it was _very_ unusual."

"It still doesn't excuse the fact that I didn't make it clear that I loved you from the beginning. If I could go back and change anything, that's what I would change." He shifted in his chair. "No, I take that back. If I could change anything, I would have never left, and then none of this would have happened."

"You don't know that," I said. "It might have made things worse."

"How so?" he questioned.

I'd done a lot of thinking about this in recent years, especially over the last few months since Mom knew the whole truth. But I'd never told him my thoughts on the issue. Mom said many times that it was his fault for leaving, but I didn't think that his staying would have solved anything. I was surprised that I had actually considered this, let alone that I was offering this to him after everything we'd been through.

"The way I understand it, Mom and Dad hooked up just after you left. There was a time when she really thought I was Richard's son. If you had stayed, Mom might not have…been interested in Richard. And then how confusing would that have made things for her when she figured out she was…pregnant with me?"

He frowned at me. "I wouldn't have left her on her own."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

I nodded. "But you still can't say that it would have made things better."

"That's true," he agreed. "But I do know that it would have made things better if I had been clear with _you _from the start."

"Now, I can agree with you on that."

"Promise me something, Jason," he insisted, leaning forward and looking me directly in the eyes. "Promise me that you won't let a day go by without telling this baby that you love him. Tell him every day, even the days that he's angry at you. And don't tell him because you expect him to say it back to you. Just tell him because it's the truth and he deserves to know."

I was quiet for a moment, taking in the weight of his words. "I promise."

He picked up his bottle and held it out to me. "So, here's to you," he toasted.

I clinked my bottle against his and we both took a drink, only to return to the contemplative silence between us. There was a deeper meaning behind his words that bothered me. It was something that had been bothering me for a while. There was something I needed to say to him that I hadn't ever been able to say. Even when he was wracked with guilt and heartache over some of the things Mom said to him that day she found out the truth – I hadn't been able to say the thing that I knew he needed to hear. I didn't want to say it then because it would sound flippant. But now I realized that by not telling him, I was making him just as miserable as I had been for all those years I had kept him out of my life.

"Dad," I said, purposefully using the term and drawing his immediate attention. "I love you," I muttered softly. "Just so you know."

He stared back at me for a moment. "Jason, you didn't have to-"

"Yes, I did."

"I didn't say what I said just so you would-"

"I know," I interrupted. "And I didn't say what I said because of what you said."

He chuckled at me.

"I just wanted you to know," I finished.

His eyes held on to mine intensely. "Thank you."

The quiet of the room was disturbed by the faint, distant sound of a siren. "What is that?" I asked, trying to listen more closely.

His head turned to the side as he listened. "It's a little girl. She's lost her mother and can't find her."

I picked up on the cries of the child, but that wasn't the sound that had distracted me. "No, that's not what I mean. The sirens."

He furrowed his brow, listening. "You can hear that?" He sounded impressed.

"Yeah. Why? How far away is it?"

"It's a car accident about fifteen or twenty miles away."

"It must be a big one if I can hear it."

"It is. A couple of semis went head to head."

"Hum," I mused, astonished that I had picked up on it so easily. "I'll tell you what. You take care of the accident, and I'll make sure the little girl finds her mom."

A smile tugged at his lips. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm too tired to take care of a car accident tonight," I teased.

"Ha ha," he mocked, standing up. "But really, you're all right with this?"

"Just go," I demanded with a smile. "Save some lives."

With a nod, he was out of the apartment in a flash. I quickly made my way back down to the lobby and out to where the little girl sat on a bench, crying. She was holding a stuffed bunny and playing with the ends of her long, red hair.

"Hey there," I said, kneeling down to her level. "What's the matter?"

"I can't find my mommy," she said through her tears. "I saw Superman, but he didn't stop to help me."

"Well, Superman's a really busy guy. But I'll tell you something. He heard you crying and asked me if I could try to help you find your mommy."

Her eyes went wide. "He did?"

"Yup. I know Superman pretty well."

"You do?" she seemed impressed.

"Yup. And he doesn't like it when little girls are lost. So will you let me help you?"

She nodded and wiped at her eyes.

"What's your name?"

"I'm not supposed to tell my name to strangers."

Oops. "Right. That's very right. You shouldn't. So let's see…where did you last see your mommy?"

She pointed down the street. "We were shopping."

"And does your mommy have pretty red hair like yours?"

She nodded. "But hers is short and curly."

I took the little girl's hand and headed down towards the shops she had indicated, looking into them as we went. Every now and then, I would stop and look _through _the shop to try to find the missing mother. On a whim, I focused on the shops across the street and found a rather frantic red-headed woman pleading with a sales clerk. I listened closely to pick up on their conversation.

"_Please, she's only six. We were in here about an hour ago. Are you sure you didn't see her?"_

"_I'm sorry, Ma'am."_

"_If you do see her, will you tell her to stay put until I find her? Her name is Clara."_

I looked down at the little girl. "Is your name Clara?"

She gaped at me. "Yes."

"I think I found your mother."

I led her across the street just as the woman was exiting the shop. She spotted us almost instantly. "Clara!"

"Mommy!"

The mother grabbed up the little girl in her arms and hugged her tightly. "Oh, God! I was so worried!"

"I waited for Superman," Clara told her mother, "but when he didn't come, this man said he would help me instead. He knows Superman."

"Oh he does, does he?" she said with a chuckle. "Well, thank you very much, Mister…?"

"White," I said. "And it was my pleasure."

"He said Superman sent him to help me!" Clara said enthusiastically.

The mother only laughed. "Then Mr. White will have to tell Superman thank you for us, won't he." She winked at me, thinking the whole thing was a joke.

"I will be sure to tell him," I promised. And I kept my word.


	12. Epilogue

_AN: As promised – the final tidbit to add the icing on the cake. I just want to add a final thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, beta read, or collaborated with me to help me make this fic a reality. This final scene, believe it or not, was the reason I wrote the story. Between this scene and the scene where the cave collapses on them, I simply knew I had to write this story. I've had this in my head for so long that it is a relief to get it out. _

_Now, if only Jason would leave me alone…_

**Epilogue**

Sleep. I love sleep. I never knew how much I loved it until I was forced to wake up every two to three hours. How Kate did this all day was beyond me. At least I got some time away from Eric at the music hall, not that it did me much good. It was all I could do to hold my eyes open sometimes. Three weeks of parenthood and I'd been reduced to sneaking off to a private rehearsal room to sleep.

Somewhere distant in the building, I heard the crash and shatter of someone dropping something large and breakable. The wailing cry of a baby soon followed. Next to me, Kate groaned and buried her head in her pillow.

I yawned and forced myself to sit up. "I'll get him," I said sleepily.

"Bottle in the fridge," she mumbled, still half asleep.

I dragged my feet into the kitchen and retrieved the bottle, thankful that Kate had the foresight to prepare it before we went to bed, only to moan in complaint when I remembered I would have to heat the darn thing up. Now would be a really great time to figure out the whole heat vision thing. Talk about something that would make my life a lot easier tonight.

I placed the bottle in a pot full of water on the stove and went into the nursery to try to calm the screaming infant. His fists were balled up and his face was red in anger. "Hey, little guy. No need to make such a fuss," I said to him.

Gently, I picked him up and cradled him against my shoulder, patting his round little bottom and bouncing him slightly to try to soothe his crying. "It's okay," I whispered. "Shhhh. You're fine."

His tears turned into tiny whimpers as I headed back out to the kitchen to get his bottle and rock him back to sleep. He must have been hungry, because as soon as the bottle came close to his mouth, he glomped down on it and began sucking away like mad. I held him in the dark and slowly rocked back and forth in the chair, letting my eyes drift shut while he drank down the milk.

In the room above us, a stereo switched on and music sounded through the air. Eric stirred in my arms, fussing and longing for quiet.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to him. "The noise bothers you, doesn't it? We're looking for a house, so pretty soon you won't have any noisy neighbors to deal with. Until then…" I thought about it for a moment. "Maybe we can get you a white noise maker. Maybe that would hide the other sounds in the air."

His eyes fluttered closed and he snuggled against me.

"I'm really sorry about the noise. Not much I can do about that right now. Believe me, I know it's annoying…and it's only going to get worse." I brushed my fingers over the side of his perfect little face, thinking how clearly I now understood things that had always seemed so puzzling to me before.

"You will be different. Sometimes you'll feel like an outcast, but you'll never be alone. You will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father becomes the son."

I'd heard those words nearly twenty years ago, and yet I'd never understood them as perfectly as I did right now. I placed a soft kiss on his forehead. "I love you, little guy."


End file.
